Kevin Says: I love children. Especially ones that are old enough to vacuum. And their little hands are perfectly sized to sew bugle beads onto my Halloween costume. Seriously though, even a childless misanthrope like me understands that no matter how much you love the delightful coo of a child's voice, there are places children are meant to be, and places where they are not meant to be. One of those places children are not meant to be is at a $25-$30/a plate restaurant. I don't care how charming and well behaved you think your little tykes are, I assure you, they're not. Unless they can sit for 90 minutes and carry on a conversation about the plot twists in this season's Desperate Housewives, they're not appropriate dinner companions in any restaurant that serves liquor (Beth's Note: Chuck E. Cheese has booze...Friday's has booze...I think we should narrow the scope a bit! How about cloth napkins?). Luckily this is not an etiquette column, because I know I'm being rude when I say loudly to the hostess as she guides me to the table next to yours, "I'd rather not sit THERE," as I point to another table as far away from yours as possible. You can drop the dirty looks --- they bounce off me like bullets bouncing off Wonderwoman's magic bracelets. And, lest you be tempted to take your little ones to a grown-up restaurant, understand that there are adults like me just about everywhere. Oh, and if you're thinking, "Oh, he couldn't possibly be talking about MY Madison and Connor," let me assure you, they're exactly about whom I'm talking (the children whose parents don't think they're bad are precisely the ones who are the worst). One of the private games I play with ill-behaved tots is to give them mean, dirty looks (outside the view of their parents) in an attempt to make them cry. It's a great game! I really do care about children --- for instance, if your precious offspring are running around like banshees, I would truly hate for them to trip on my suddenly outstretched foot. I know, I know. You want to have an evening out once in a while. You're a frazzled parent, who only wants a decent meal at a nice restaurant every so often. That's nice. Hire a babysitter, and enjoy! But the idea that it's ok to bring children to a nice restaurant just "because you feel you're entitled" is dead wrong. Certainly, you understood that your life with children would be different than your single life, right. Or, didn't you think that through?
Beth Says: I love my kids--I am just smart enough to realize not everyone does. There was literally a three year period where my son couldn't sit still in a restaurant. So guess what we did? We didn't take him to restaurants! Crazy, huh?? I share your pain. I can't tell you how many times I have forked out good money for a babysitter, only to listen to someone else's kid scream during dinner. At least it was a change! There are a couple options here. The first is you could complain to the manager, but honestly, what are they going to do? I remember on Valentine's Day going to an upscale restaurant I had saved for, only to have my dinner ruined by an ill-behaved child. I complained. The manager did nothing. Then there was the time I snapped and said to a parent "You know, I got a babysitter for my child so I could enjoy myself." Then the person apologized profusely and offered to pay for my dinner...yeah, that never happened. I got a dirty look and some sort of snide response and that was the end of that. As is often the case, I have come to the conclusion that I must work around clueless people, rather than hoping they will come to the epiphany that they need to change their ways. So my suggestions are--1) If you don't want to be around kids, don't go to a kid-friendly restaurant. Are you eating at Olive Garden, a local Mexican restaurant or Friday's? Then suck it up! If there is a kid's menu, you are out of luck. 2) Is it before 8:00 p.m.? Ditto... Pretend you are European and make late dinner reservations. 3) Go for something like Indian, Thai or Ethiopian--kids hate that!
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