My best friend is getting married and has asked me to be a bridesmaid. I was excited when she first asked me, but then I realized that between travel expenses, the dress, a wedding gift and a shower gift I am going to be out several hundred dollars. What are my options?

We can't all be Pippa!

Kevin says:  To say that today's wedding industry has become a behemoth is to become a master of the obvious (the average wedding now costs almost $30,000). As a result, there seems a never-ending series of official events accompanying every wedding, all of which bring with them an opportunity to give a gift (thereby enriching the industrial wedding complex even further). I'm not sure what Miss Manners would say, but here's my philosophy: A couple who invites me to their wedding --- or shower or post-engagement party or whatever --- gets one gift. That's one gift per wedding, not one gift per event. If you are so inclined to give more than one gift, go for it, but you ABSOLUTELY DO NOT have to give a gift for every wedding-related function to which you're invited. From an etiquette standpoint, this couple is inviting you to witness and celebrate their union, not to subsidize it.

Further, one could argue that your participation in the wedding party (and assuming all the associated costs) is your gift to the marrying couple. No muss, no fuss. If, in spite of this perspective, you still feel that participating in the wedding will cause you a financial hardship, you need to have a conversation with your friend. If the wedding preparations are not too far along, perhaps you could quietly step into a different role at the wedding --- doing a reading, monitoring the guest book, assisting the videographer/photographer, etc. --- that wouldn't be so difficult on your wallet. If, on the other hand, the wedding preparations are too far underway to slip into a different role, you'll need to come clean with your friend as soon as possible and let her know your predicament; there may be a way to offset some of your expenses. Barring that, unfortunately, you may be stuck sucking up those costs ... and learning a valuable lesson.

Beth says:  I have been in numerous weddings and had two of my own.  Both as a bride and as a member of the bridal party, I always felt that the point of it all was to share a really important day with special friends.  With that in mind, your participation should really be the only thing that is required, other than any wedding-related costuming requirements.  Be honest with your bride.  Tell her you are so thrilled to be included but you are strapped for cash.  A true friend will understand.