What do you do if your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend from a couple years ago is still sending him texts every few weeks despite him asking her to leave him alone?

Beth says:  I am notoriously friendly with most of my ex-boyfriends.  My Facebook friends include grade school and college boyfriends, as well as the guy I dated before I met my husband.  The reasons both my husband and I are comfortable with this are as follows:

1. We are secure in our relationship.
2. There is no unfinished business with the previous relationships.
3. There are boundaries and those friendships are nowhere even remotely close to crossing them. 
4. My ex-boyfriends are fun, stable, normal people who I enjoy maintaining contact with. We've developed friendships that have eclipsed the initial dating relationship.

I would also like to mention that with the exception of one, these are all people I dated more than twenty years ago.  If they were going to go nuts on me, it would've happened long before now.

The issue that concerns me in your question is that this person is continuing to contact your current partner despite his requests that she stop.  Unfortunately, you can't really do anything except vocalize to your partner how much this bothers you.  He really has to handle it.  There are few people really crazy enough to continue contacting someone who truly doesn't want to be contacted.  So, my advice to him is that if he truly feels he has made his feelings clear about contact, then to just ignore her until she gives up.  Don't be shrewish about it--he is with you now, after all.  Until then, just bite the bullet and don't let it get to you.

Of course, if the contact continues or becomes threatening in any way, he should speak to local law enforcement about a cease contact order, after keeping a careful record of the contact. 

Kevin says:  I'm sure this must be very irritating. First, I'd be curious what the content of these texts is. I'd make allowances for the difference between,"Hey, you've got some mail at my house. Let me know if you want me to forward it to you" and "I heard 'our' song on the radio today and it made me think of you." One can be dealt with easily enough; the other is more troubling. If the texts are more on the ministerial side, you may wish to try and take a breath and look the other way. If the messages are more "I miss you, Schmoopie," you have every right to let your boyfriend know --- calmly and logically --- how you're feeling. Acknowledge your jealousy (or whatever else you're feeling), even if you worry that it casts you in a bad light. You are, after all, entitled to your feelings --- though you're not necessarily entitled to "act" on your feelings.

Also, understand that this girl was once important to your boyfriend. Being able to maintain a positive, proper relationship with an ex is a good thing and can speak to your boyfriend's character.

It also sounds like your boyfriend is giving this girl mixed messages. I call it the "Come hither, go away" phenomenon. Simply responding to a text to say, "Go away" really can be interpreted, "Come hither." After telling this girl to cease contact, he really should not reply again. Rather, if he wants no further contact with her, he should block her number and be done.

Since you're the one writing in to ask the question and not him, I'd also acknowledge that he may enjoy not only the attention that he's getting from the ex but also the jealousy that it's creating in you. Only you can determine if this is the case.

Our New Year's Revolution!

Beth's List: 

Well, here we go....This is the time of year where you make all kind of promises to yourself, with the unspoken thought that you probably will break them, followed by intense self loathing.

This Gal would like to suggest that you instead, make a list of the things that you did right in 2011 with the promise that you will continue to keep up the good work in 2012.  It's so much more fun!

1.  No question, the best thing I did in 2011 was to find an exercise program that I enjoyed and stick with it. After many promises ("I will go to the gym once summer starts!", "I'm going to start walking/running/do the P90X videos!"), I finally decided to follow through.  My motivation came not so much out of vanity, but due to crippling back pain and general aches that have come with being over 40 and a job the requires me to stand all the time.  My sister turned me on to the Zumba home videos and I now get up at 5:00 a.m. five days a week to meringue my way to fitness.  It's rough, but I have discovered that getting up at 5 a.m. sucks no more than getting up at 5:45 and I feel much better all day.

2.  I am really enjoying my job.  After feeling like I'd been hazed my first year of teaching, I really hit  my stride this year.  Most days, I am excited to go to work.

3.  I have a great relationship with my ex. I am very proud that despite a huge learning curve, my ex and I are true partners in parenting our children.  This isn't always possible and I am so happy that we've been able to rise above our differences to have the best interest of our kids prioritized.

4.  I am good to myself. This year I really made an effort to do things that made me happy.  I made time for friends, travel, relaxing and visits to my favorite spa. 

5.  I am reading more.  I know that it may seem hard to believe that an English teacher might not read much, but it is sadly true.  Last year, I read, or re-read, everything I needed to teach (Of Mice and Men, Beowulf, A Raisin in the Sun, and a mind-numbing list of other works of American and British lit).  By summer, I was ready to read for pleasure.  My sister (that's two mentions in one column, Susie!) got me a Kindle for my birthday and I love the convenience it offers.  I've read everything from Rob Lowe's autobiography to House of Holes (wow...just wow...is all I can say) to re-reading my childhood favorite Petals on the Wind.  Yep, my taste is trashy and indulgent and I'm proud!

Kevin’s rules for 2012:
Set and write down your yearly goals now. I work with a business coach and as part of my ongoing assignments, she asks me regularly to write out my goals (short- and long-term). It’s a much more difficult exercise than you might think. But here is what I’ve learned from the exercise: Don’t go crazy. Seriously, three to five goals is perfect. They should be specific, measurable, and realistic. And they should have meaning and context for you. They should be more than, “It would be nice if…” Understand and internalize the reason why you want to achieve a certain goal. You should easily be able to visualize what it will look like when you’ve achieved these goals. For instance, one of my goals for 2012 is to refresh my proficiency in French. I studied French all through high school and college --- but have lost almost all of it in the intervening years. So, my goal is to be able to watch and understand a movie in French by November of 2012 (simple, measurable, and easy to visualize).

Be willing to say yes to new opportunities. This was one of my rules for 2011, and I’m going to continue it into 2012. Mostly, this has to do with being open to new things in general. It’s impossible to know where new opportunities are coming from and what they’ll look like. So, having the mindset of “yes” when presented with a new opportunity can lead to the unexpected. And you can always reverse course if you need to. For instance, I have single female friends who say they’ll go on a first date with anyone who asks (well, so long as they’re not stalkerish!) --- even if that means they may go out with someone they might otherwise overlook. You just never know what might happen!

Be willing to say no to new commitments. Especially if a new commitment does not support your primary yearly goals. It’s so easy to get guilted into new commitments --- chairing a committee, hosting a fundraiser, chaperoning a field trip. Learning to say, “I’m so sorry, but my calendar is full right now,” (with a smile!) can be surprisingly revelatory. 

Support local businesses. When you purchase from locally owned businesses --- rather than nationally owned --- more money is kept in your community; locally owned businesses often purchase from other local businesses, service providers, and farms. In turn, this requires less transportation and less stress on the environment. Further, local development contributes less to sprawl, congestion, habitat loss, and pollution. Additionally, small local businesses are the largest employers nationally. Local businesses often hire people with more specific product expertise and personal investment, which leads to better customer service.

Buy American. When you buy a product, you don’t just consume, you're also supporting values. If I asked you to entertain the thought of supporting poor wages, child labor, poor working conditions, contaminated products, environmental pollution, waste of natural resources, and an ever-increasing mountain of trash that will take hundreds of years to decompose, how would you feel? Most people are disgusted by these ideas --- but then they don't think twice about blindly purchasing foreign products that contribute to some or all of those things, simply because they're cheap. If you don’t want to contribute to those issues, you have to change the way you shop and consume. Buy products produced locally, support companies that make an effort to become sustainable, and where possible, choose American-manufactured products over those manufactured abroad.

Cook from scratch as often as possible. There are many benefits to cooking from scratch. First, you know exactly what goes into the food that you are eating. No more excess salt, fat, and carbs --- unless you want them, of course! Second, you save money. Processed foods are not only often unhealthy, but they are often much more expensive than making them yourself. Cooking from scratch is a fantastic way to save money on groceries. And third, homemade food simply tastes better. But how to get started if you're reliant on processed and prepared foods? I'd recommend getting a copy of Mark Bittman's "How to Cook Everything" cookbook. Mr. Bittman's straightforward instructions and advice will help you make delicious meals using fresh, natural ingredients; simple techniques; and basic equipment.

Incorporate exercise into daily activities. We’ve all heard this advice before and it seems so easy. Unfortunately, it’s harder than you might think. I try to get to yoga a couple of times a week, and I’ve just received the Zumba fitness DVD set (as recommended by Beth), but some weeks --- despite your best effort --- an organized fitness class or time spent in front of the DVD player is just not in the cards. When all else fails, walking is your best friend. I think about Parisians, who subsist on a diet of wine, cigarettes, Laduree macarons, and pains au chocolat --- and yet who are rail thin. They stay thin by walking EVERYWHERE. You can do the same. Here are a few additional ideas: Start taking the furthest away parking spot and get in a few extra steps between your car and your destination; get off the bus or subway one or two stops before your normal stop and walk the rest of the way; choose the stairs over the elevator; go dancing; practice perfect posture.

Say thanks and mean it. Gratitude is meant to be practiced regularly. I have a wonderful friend who regularly posts her daily gratitude lists to Facebook (Hey, Special K!). Those gratitude lists are a reminder that constantly finding things to be grateful for is a valuable exercise. Gratitude is a muscle that you need to flex and strengthen, so that in times of great stress, you can more easily keep things in proper perspective.

I have a friend who is perpetually late. Every time we meet, I am sitting waiting in a restaurant for at least half an hour. What can I say to her?

Beth says:  How close are you to this person?  The reason I ask is because twice in my life I have taken a stand against tardy friends and I have regretted it both times.  I'd rather have them in my life and wait, than risk hurting the friendship. People have all kinds of reasons for being chronically late and it really has nothing to do with you.  You can try to work around it by automatically showing up 30 minutes later than the appointed time or you can ask them to call when you when they are on their way.  For me, the bottom line is that true friendship is precious and that you should offer people the same grace/slack you would ask from them when you inevitably screw up or show your faults.  If this is not a close friend, then I would just stop making plans with them.

Kevin says:  To someone who is chronically punctual, like myself, the chronically late make my blood boil. The answer to the following question would determine how I responded: Does this person arrive on time for events that are important to her (picking up the kids from school, getting to work or a doctor’s appointment)? If your friend is late for EVERYTHING, not just engagements with you, you tell her calmly how it makes you feel when she’s late --- “Sheila, I love hanging out with you, but when you’re late, it makes me feel like you don’t value our time together.” ---and then you drop it. In the future, you simply limit your exposure to her lack of punctuality (don’t make plans to see a movie together, for instance).

If, however, your friend is only late when she has plans with you, here’s a clever (but perhaps a tad harsh) approach for when you’ve arrived at your last (gay) nerve:

·         Be on time to your meeting and turn off your cell phone (or put it in airplane mode) as soon as you arrive.

·         Set a timer for 15 minutes, order a drink, and relax.

·         If your friend doesn't show up after 15 minutes or by the time you’ve finished your drink, turn your phone back on, and leave.

When your notoriously late friend arrives and can’t find you, she’ll call you to blame you for being late. Be strong and explain in calm voice that you were there on time, you waited for her while having a drink, and left when you determined that she wasn’t coming. She may be hurt, and even mad, but you can explain that you respected her enough to be on time to your meeting and that you expect the same. If she is still upset, you may have to accept that your friendship has run its course.

K 

I have a wonderful friend with an awful husband. My husband can't stand him either. She is constantly trying to get us to go out on a "couples date,” but after the last time, my husband and I both swore never again. Constantly making excuses isn't working!

Beth says:  This happens quite a bit.  It is difficult to find a combination of four different personalities that is going to work. The tricky thing is that while you and your husband can't stand him, clearly your friend thinks he's awesome! I tend to walk the Path of the Passive, so I would encourage you to just continue on with the excuses.  Make sure to spend time with your friend on your own, but life is hectic, especially if you have kids and it should be easy enough to just keep the excuses coming until she gives up.  Another idea?   Early in my first marriage, I had a dear friend who was married to one of the most obnoxious people I have ever known.  He was diametrically opposed to everything we believed in, politically, socially, religiously, philosophically, and academically.  After many uncomfortable evenings of biting our tongues, we decided we would only go to movies with them!  That way, there was no talking!

Kevin says:  Friendships have to develop organically --- just like yours with your ill-wedded friend. You can’t force two different people to be friends, just because their spouses are. If your friend’s husband is as awful as you say (I wish I knew a little more about what makes him so difficult to be around), he may have no other friends and his wife is trying paw him off to your husband. In which case, a little compassion may be in order. If the compassion horse has left the barn, however (as it seems it has), you really only have one option, the truth (or a version of it) --- but this will only work if you can be reasonably sure that your husband won’t have to socialize with Mr. Awful in the future. Say to your friend, “Fiona, I really enjoy the time we get to hang out. I wish Don and Roger got along as well. Unfortunately, my Don just doesn’t do well with new people.” Then, drop it. When Fiona calls to schedule the next couples date, explain that “Unfortunately, Don has plans that night, but I’d love to see you guys.” Eventually, when “Don has plans” enough times, Fiona will stop inquiring. If Fiona ever pressures you for more of an explanation, the whole truth, delivered with as much compassion as you see fit, is the only option left.

Our office shares a kitchen. Often food "disappears" despite being labeled, despite little notes that say something to the effect of "If you didn't bring it, don't eat it." I know who the culprit is --- how should I phrase my confrontation?

Kevin says:  Short answer, you don’t. Bring the situation to your manager (or HR director), privately outline your suspicions, and let him or her handle it. That’s what they get paid to do. If you feel that this is a problem that doesn’t rise to the level of managerial intervention, you’ll need to arrange for other food-storage solutions. The fallout from such a confrontation is not worth the feeling of one-upmanship you’ll get in the moment --- and could professionally backfire in your face. I once worked in an office where food disappeared from the communal fridge, from people’s private, labeled lunches, etc. The culprit, it turns out, was a food addict with multiple health and mental problems. Someone who routinely steals food probably has other problems that you don’t know about and aren’t equipped to handle (psychological, emotional, financial). My advice: leave it to the professionals.

Beth says:  This has happened to me everywhere--in my own home, in my dorm, and in every office I have ever worked in.  I'm a teacher, so I would have no option about taking it to a higher level.  My department chair and principal certainly don't have the time or inclination to deal with it and H.R. is in a totally different building!  Therefore, if taking it to the higher ups is isn't an option, here are a couple other ideas:

• Buy a small fridge for your office/desk area.  Many times, they have a key lock.  
• Don't have that kind of money?  Buy a nice lunchbox with an icepack that will keep things cool until you are ready to eat them. 
• Want to be more aggressive?  I can't think of a single way to do this without creating a work atmosphere that is infinitely worse than having your Diet Coke stolen.

Any advice for work holiday party do's and don'ts?

Kevin says: 

“Sweet fancy Moses!”

This question makes me think of that episode of “Seinfeld” where Elaine Benes hosts the J. Peterman holiday party. No one at her office ever forgot her dance performance from that evening. And that’s what you should consider when deciding how to comport yourself at your office holiday party --- embarrass yourself at your professional peril.

Do

• Conduct yourself professionally at all times. Act as though your behavior is being observed every minute (because it probably is).
• Remember that moderation is paramount. Keep an eye on your food and alcohol intake. (You can always eat and drink more after the party.)
• Keep one hand free during the night so that you can shake hands when necessary. (Keep your drink in your left hand, so you are not offering people a cold, wet handshake all evening.) Better yet, learn the “carry your wineglass on your plate” trick --- useful in many social situations!
• Take the time to network with people at the party who can influence your career or who you may not see regularly, such as top management, people from other departments, and employees from other locations. Also, do remember that some of those people who can influence your career may be on professional rungs LOWER than yours --- secretaries, administrative assistants, executive assistants, admins in human resources. You never know who can assist you down the road!

 Don't

• Don't pass up the invitation to an office party; not attending could hurt your reputation. Even if you can’t stay the whole time because of a previous commitment (or you simply don’t want to be there!), spend at least 30 minutes at the party, networking and wishing everyone a happy holiday.
• Don't assume everyone celebrates the same holiday, so don't go overboard with the “Merry Christmas.”
• Don't spend all evening talking business.
• Don't drink and drive

Beth says:  I have very little to add except this little pearl o' wisdom!  Inevitably there will be someone at a holiday party whose name you don't know.  My husband and I have a code where if I simply say, "This is my husband!" he then reaches out a hand and says his name so that the person then naturally says their own.  


We also have codes for "Please rescue me!", "Let's get out of here!" and "This is that person I told you about that I hate!"

When invited to a holiday party, should I always bring a host/ess gift?

Beth says:  I always ask, "What can I bring?"  Sometimes the hostess appreciates your bringing something more than a small token gift.  I almost always end up bringing something to eat or wine.  I rarely go to anything fancy or formal though, here in Suburbia!

Kevin says:  According to the Emily Post Institute, a host/ess gift is not necessary when invited to a cocktail party, but is if you’re invited to a dinner party (keep it simple and under $25); for a casual get together, say, brunch, a host/ess gift is optional.

I'm going to be spending Thanksgiving with my inlaws--and it will not be comfortable. I would like to achieve just the right amount of drunkdom to get through this experience. Any suggestions on a beverage of choice?

Beth says:  Let's start with what you should not drink.  I don't think wine is going to have the desired effect.  Wine is more of a "I'm in a relaxing atmosphere and I want to chill" drink.  Rum is for more festive, happy occasions, so that's just going to depress you further.  Tequila, also not a good idea for obvious reasons.  There is no reason to be drinking tequila unless you are in a situation where it's appropriate to be obnoxiously drunk and naked. That leaves bourbon or whiskey--both fine choices, but this Gal doesn't really drink the dark stuff.  Gin and tonic would be a safe choice.  However, last weekend (after I stood in the cold for an hour at 12:30 a.m. trying to get a cab and a Gay kindly picked me up) we stayed up until well after 2:00 a.m. drinking a festive little drink, which I will call The Dave Grohl, that might suit your purposes.  The Dave Grohl is a generous serving of vodka over ice, with cranberry juice and a splash of Fresca.  This is suitably festive to keep your spirits up, while having enough vodka in it to get you nice and numb/hammered.  You're welcome.

Kevin says:  The holidays are stressful. There's no getting around it. You don't ever seem to have enough time or money for the last two months of the year. That alone is enough to send your cortisol levels soaring, but combine that with spending time with other stressed humans and you've got a volatile combination.

I am personally a great fan of the medicinal properties of alcohol, but my advice on this count is actually to lay off the sauce as much as possible over the long holiday weekend, for a number of reasons. First, alcohol lowers our inhibitions, which can be a good thing --- but it can also loosen your tongue. Words said in a tipsy moment have a way of haunting us. What seems like a clever retort in the moment can easily be misconstrued. Second, dealing with a stressful holiday visit by medicating with alcohol is a very slippery slope. Even the most experienced drinkers can find it hard to manage their alcohol intake so that they're mellow but not drunk. It's going to be virtually impossible for someone who's less experienced at guaging their body's tolerance. And third, if you've had a few glasses of wine or cocktails, you'll be in no position to "pop out to the store for some cranberry sauce," when your mother-in-law asks you for the fifth time how you and her son are doing "in the bedroom" or when homophobic Aunt Mathilde demands to know why you're not married yet.

So, here are a few suggestions with dealing with the stress of uncomfortable holiday family gatherings:

Eat, drink, and be merry — within reason. The holidays are meant for celebration, so celebrate --- but have a plan in mind. Graze on protein (turkey, cheese, nuts) between meals to keep your insulin and hunger levels in check. Drink lots of water. Save the alcohol for mealtimes.

Exercise. When the stress seems overwhelming, take an exercise break. Just 30 minutes a day — a brisk walk, a run on the treadmill, or strength training — gives you a powerful tool to fend off stress. Exercise not only helps you manage weight and is good for your body, but it can help you de-stress and clear your mind.

Take time for yourself. Taking care of yourself helps you to take better care of others in your life. Go for a long walk or take time out to read or listen to your favorite music.

Understand that you can only control your behavior and no one elses. If you know your mother is going to comment endlessly on your weight or how you're raising your kids or how much your husband is drinking, keep a mental "snark bank." Every time your mom makes a snarky remark, don't engage. Simply smile, add $5 (or $1 or 25 cents) to your mental snark bank, and plan on how you'll reward yourself with that money later. A pedicure, a pumpkin spice latte, a ticket to see the new Twilight movie by yourself. Make it a game. Altering the way you relate might just change the dynamic between you and your mother!

Is there any etiquette for unfriending someone on Facebook? and What do you do if you unfriend someone and they become irate?

Beth says:  When I first got on Facebook, I was all about how many friends I could have.  Then I realized that just like in the "real world", quantity is not necessarily better than quality.  I have "thinned out" my friends list many times.  On occasion, I have had someone "re-friend" me and depending on why I dropped them in the first place (did they spew hateful rhetoric or were they just kind of boring?), I might add them back in.  Now on two occasions, I have received emails demanding to know why they had been unfriended.  In both cases, I ignored it.  Lucky for me, both were people I never see.  However, if this is someone you see and it's going to be awkward, you can go with one of two approaches.  The first is the white lie "Oh, I'm sorry, Carrie, I was just trimming down my list and I must have accidentally omitted you."  Or something along the lines of "Because of my job/some other conflict of interest, I decided to just have close friends and family as my FB friends."  The other is to be honest, "Well, Charlotte, to be honest, I was offended by some of your political comments." Facebook can cause some high drama--try to steer clear of it in whatever way works best for you!

Kevin says:  Recent changes to the architecture of the Facebook site have made this wicket a little less sticky. If you worry about  un-friending someone, you can either hide his or her posts or unsubscribe from updates without actually un-friending them. That said, Facebook does not notify your friend when you un-friend him or her, so I say go ahead and do it!

By the way, you can join the A Gay and a Gal Facebook Group and be guaranteed a drama-free experience!

Vintage Gay and a Gal

This is a Facebook post from February, when I left Kevin a message in a panic.  I was going on a cruise and there were soooo many things to obsess about.  He really is a font of reassuring info!  Read on...



Kevin:  I got your message, lets go through your list.
Me:  Ok.  What if I get seasick? Do you bring dramamine?
Kevin:  Absolutely or buy those seabands.

It could happen!!

Me:  What if our cruise ship gets one of those ecoli viruses?
Kevin:  First of all, its not ecoli, its norovirus and if you do, you do and there's nothing to be done about it.  Just wash your hands alot and use the hand sanitizer they have everywhere.
Me:  What if we are attacked by pirates?
Kevin:  You aren't cruising to Somalia.  There are no pirates in the Carribean.
Me:  What?!  Of course there are, wasn't that the name of a movie??  Pirates of the Carribean?
Kevin:  Well, unless you are traveling through time to when there were actually pirates in the Carribean, there will be nothing to worry about.
Me:  What if we come in contact with some sort of crazy drug cartel people while in Cozumel (literally every person I tell we are going to Mexico, says this)?
Kevin:  You are going to be fine--just only do stuff set up through the cruise ship or your travel agency.  Plus there really aren't those types of problems in Cozumel.
Me:  What if our cab driver kidnaps us, slits our throats and steals our money?!?!
Kevin:  That's not going to happen.  All the cab drivers there are legit.
Me:  What if a staff person breaks into our room and steals our money and my jewels?
Kevin: Or your Ming Vase.
Me:  Or my Fabgerge Egg!
Kevin:  There are safes in the room.
 Me:  What if there is a storm at sea? Remember the movie The Poseidon Adventure?
Kevin:  You mean the one where the cruise ship flips upside down and everyone dies?  Yes....
Me: WELL?!?!
Kevin:  First of all, the water isn't deep enough to create that kind of  wave.
Me:  See, this is why I love you!  You address my neurosis with solid facts!
Kevin:  Second of all, if there is a storm, you'll just get through it.  That happened to us once and we were all queasy but it was fine.
Me:  What if I need a doctor?
Kevin:  There are doctors.  Just like on The Love Boat.
Me:  So If I break my leg?
Kevin:  Yes you are fine unless you need something major done.
Me:  What if I need a lung transplant?
Kevin:  I don't think they are going to be able to do that.
Me:  What if the electricity goes out--that happened!!
Kevin:  Well two things...first of all, you'll definitely get to go on another cruise for free.  Also, they will still keep serving alcohol, so my advice is to just keep drinking to get through it.  In fact, that's my advice about everything--keep drinking.  Storm, pirates, power failure, whatever, just keep drinking!
Me:  That's good advice...What if I fall overboard trying to do like Kate Winslet did in Titanic? Seriously...I am always hearing about people falling overboard...I mean, aren't there railings and stuff?
Kevin:  You aren't going to fall overboard.  The only possible place to fall overboard is off your balcony and you don't have one of those.
Me:  But that happens alot!  You hear about these people on their honeymooners and one of them gets drunk and falls overboard.
Kevin:  Honeymooners always have balconies.  Plus if you did fall off, there is something there to catch you.
 Me:  Ok.....Well, I've already worked through my fear of the ship being sucked down by a giant squid, like The Cracken, through internet research, so I'm good on that one.
Kevin:  Well, that's a relief.  I have to get back to my conference now.
Beth:  Ok, thanks!  I appreciate you indulging me.
Kevin:  Any time.

It's not about football, folks...

Like all of you, a Gay and a Gal have listened with horror and shock as the details of the abuse of young boys at the hands of the Penn State football coach have been revealed. At times like this, it's easy to focus on anger, in large part because you feel so helpless in the face of such an atrocity. 

A couple suggestions:

As a former social worker and now a high school teacher, I have several times been in situations where abuse has been suspected and have had to make a call to protect a child.  I am what's called a "mandatory reporter", meaning by law, if I suspect it, I have to call about it.  However, I urge anyone who sees anything that does not seem right to make a call to the appropriate authorities.  In these cases, better safe than sorry. 

Each county and state has their own child abuse hotline you can call, or you can just call Childhelp's National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.   The Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with professional crisis counselors who, through interpreters, can provide assistance in 170 languages. The Hotline offers crisis intervention, information, literature, and referrals to thousands of emergency, social service, and support resources. All calls are anonymous and confidential. 

We also suggest making a donation to one of the many organizations dedicated to helping victims of abuse, such as RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network).

What do I do if I accidentally burp or fart in a completely inappropriate place like in front of my boss, in church, or at a luncheon?

Beth:  True story--one time I was at a party and we all had a couple drinks.  All the sudden this woman rips a huge fart.  I mean, there was no passing it off as squeaky shoes or floorboards--it sounded like that stereotypical flatulent sound kids make when they put their palms up against their mouths and blow.   There was sort of a shocked silence and the woman totally did not react at all.  Like it never happened.  Not so much as a quiver in her countenance.  I say, good move!  Because as long as you don't acknowledge it, no one 100% knows for sure it was you. 

Kevin:  If it can’t be confidently pinned on you, carry on as if nothing happened. If it can be pinned confidently on you, you say, “Pardon me,” and then carry on.

A Gay and a Gal Lightning Round!

Which is scariest?  Wolfman, Vampire or Zombie?

Kevin:  Sarah Palin, I mean, Zombie.
Beth:  Wolfman, by far.  I don't like the idea that someone could appear perfectly normal by day and then on a full moon, eat my face off.








What is the worst band of all time?

Kevin:  Insane Clown Posse.

Beth:  New Kids on the Block would be my first choice, except they don't count as a band since they don't play instruments.  Second choice?  Paul McCartney and Wings.  UGH. With such deep, evocative lyrics as "Someone's knockin' at the door, somebody's ringin' the bell, do me a favor, open the door and let them in," I just want to weep with shame for this low point in American Rock 'n Roll.

Daylight Savings Time--yes or no?

Beth:  Hell, no.  I say we get rid of this mind-fuck of a tradition once and for all!
Kevin:  I HATE having to change the clocks twice a year. Two full weeks each year spent trying to adjust to the new time is brutal. It messes with your circadian rhythm, and is just plain painful. Get rid of it!




Best board game of all time?

Beth:    The Game of Life, closely followed by Stratego
Kevin:  I don't particularly like games of any type (ask my husband who loves all sorts of games, especially cards). There's a special place in my heart, though, for the original Trivial Pursuit, which I played with my friends thousands of times during high school. Fond memories!  


Favorite Sitcom as a child?

Beth:  70's?  Welcome Back Kotter--I even had a WBK lunch box with the special edition Horshack thermos.  80's? Bosom Buddies.  Life changing would be an understatement.
Kevin:  I don't know what it means about me, a gangly white kid from rural South Carolina, that my favorite sit coms from childhood were "Good Times" and "What's Happenin'" --- each about a gangly black kid from the city. Go figure.


 

Happy Birthday to A Gay from A Gal!

A Gay and a Gal, 1989

I think it was March of 1988 when I met Kevin.  Over the next two years, Kevin was responsible for more fun times than a gal should have, typically while sitting around doing absolutely nothing. He also introduced me to streaking and for that, I am so grateful!  In May 1990, I got my diploma and hugged Kev good-bye.  He was headed to Puerto Rico to teach in a private school and I was returning to Virginia Beach to look for a job and plan my wedding.  As he walked away, I remember thinking, "I bet I will never see that guy again!"  Then my friend whispered, "Oh my God!  He was crying!"  Hmmmm, was there more to this friendship than immature humor and nudity?

Oh boy, was there.

For the last twenty three years, Kevin and I have grown up together.  I can't think of one important milestone in my life that Kevin wasn't a part of.  He was there for both my weddings (and in both of them!), the births of my children, various moves, birthday celebrations, reunions, and holidays.  He has loved my children in a way that only a select few of my actual relatives have.

More telling though, were the low moments when he showed up without having to be asked.  After my dad died and I plunged into a grief unlike any I have ever experienced, he took me to New York where we went to see "Spamalot," followed by an evening in a gay piano bar in The Village.  When I was in the low days following my divorce, not only did Kevin stay on the phone with me for hours while I cried, he left work and showed up at my doorstep because he was so worried about me. Come to think of it, Kevin has loved ME in a way that only a select few of my actual relatives have.

Those moments were when I realized that even though Kevin should in no way be able to relate to my life, much less be able to have any insight into it, he gives fantastic advice.   It has been crazy fun sharing that with all of you.

Happy birthday, Kevin--you never looked better! 

We have a limited wedding budget and I want to invite some coworkers, but not all, and I absolutely do not want to invite my boss. How do I handle this?

Beth says:  Lordy, I hated that conversation!  "Well, if we invite this person, then we have to invite that person!"  My first go round, we invited everyone, including my parents' friends that I didn't even know.  The second time, I wanted it to be much more intimate, with only my family and closest friends attending.  Further, we had a minimal budget.  This was challenging for a couple reasons--the first was that I have a large family and there were several that I didn't want to invite, but there is no way to get around that.  The second is that inevitably someone's feelings are going to be hurt, but it is what it is. While it would have been the P.C. thing to do to invite my boss, she wasn't a friend or family and so she didn't make the cut.  I just tried to emphasize constantly that this was a very small wedding and we could only invite a few people.   Just remember this day is about you and your partner--don't get bogged down worrying about other people's happiness to the point that it impacts your own!

Kevin says:  Not many people are in a position to invite everyone to their special events. Understand that you’re under no obligation to invite anyone you don’t want at your event  --- budget constraints or not. What you must not do, however, is make a show of publicly inviting work colleagues --- or even talking about your wedding in the workplace (seriously, you’re there to work, not plan extracurricular activities anyway). You do not distribute invitations at work, for instance. You send out invitations to the work colleagues you’re inviting in the mail, just like the invitations to everyone else.

Who is a bigger scumbag, Arnold Schwarzenegger or John Edwards?

"So what does your maid look like?"

Kevin says: I think it is inappropriate to judge public figures based solely on what gets reported in the news. So much is inaccurate, leaked for political or personal gain, or just plain lies. Further, you simply have no idea what kind of “arrangement” a couple has in their private affairs. That said, if everything that has been reported is true, I think John Edwards has proved himself to be the bigger asshat. He’s certainly lost more personally and politically than Schwarzenegger. Having a kid out of wedlock is one thing, but cheating on your cancer-ridden wife is another. Beyond that, Edwards squandered any chance he ever had of serving in high political office, and breathtakingly so.


Beth says:  This is a close one.  On the one hand, it takes a special kind of asshole to not just have an affair but to do so under the roof you share with your spouse with the hired help, have a baby with her and then act like business as usual for the next twelve years.   That said, John Edwards' affair took slimy to the next level because of his abuse of campaign funds, asking his best friend (who was married) to take the fall and oh, by the way, his wife was dying of cancer.  So, my pick is John Edwards but they are both tools of the highest order.

It's always difficult to be the best friend in these types of situations.  While Andrew Young ended up with a sweet book deal, he probably wishes he'd had A Gay and a Gal around to help him navigate that tricky situation (see next post). 

My best friend is having an affair. She claims this guy is the love of her life, but won't leave her husband because she has 2 small children. I'm trying not to judge, but the real issue is that she wants to use me as her "alibi" so she can get away to be with her lover. How can I say no without her thinking I am judging her?

Kevin says:  You obviously can’t or you wouldn’t be asking the question. And if she were really your best friend, she wouldn’t be putting you in this awkward position. Here’s what you say, “Carolyn, we’ve talked about this before, and you know how I feel about your relationship with Gary. I have to live my life in a way that I can be proud of. I simply can’t be your alibi so that you can sneak around on your husband. I also won’t lie for you. I say this so you can make an informed decision about how to structure your personal life.” Then, let her make the next move. She probably won’t be happy with you, but if you offend someone by doing the right thing, you’re better off without the friend-inflicted drama.
Beth says:   If you know a friend is cheating, you have to decide how you can live comfortably with that information.  You never know what's going to end up happening and if you truly don't want to come across as judgmental, you have to find a way to be supportive without becoming directly involved.  It is perfectly reasonable to say, "Look I am here for you if you want to talk about this, but I just can't in good conscience be your alibi." 

I am having a baby shower for a good friend. Her mother in law does not like cats--it's not that she's allergic, she just doesn't like them, and has asked me to lock them up while she is there. Do I really have to do that? Most likely they will be hiding the whole time anyway!

Beth says: I have way too many pets.  After I got married, our households combined to create a veritable "His, Mine and Ours" of the Animal Kingdom.  We now have 2 dogs, 4 cats and 3 crabs.  I know it's a lot and I know many people don't like animals.  If someone has an allergy, they are in trouble when they come to my house and I always give them a heads up and have Benadryl and Allertec on hand.  If they aren't comfortable around dogs, I will crate up my dogs.  My cats on the other hand are probably going to hide and if they come in, I will shoo them out.  That's about the best I can offer.  If someone just doesn't like cats, then they should weigh what they hate more, cats or the thought of missing a loved one's baby shower. 

Kevin says:  I’m sure I’ll offend lots of animal lovers with this response, but if you’re entertaining in your home, animals (and children for that matter --- don’t get me started) should be corralled elsewhere. I am highly allergic to nearly all animals, and as a result I try not to touch any furry creatures. As a result, cats in particular, are maddeningly drawn to me. Even having a cat rub up against my leg or a dog jump up to greet me can leave dander and oils from their fur that transfer easily to my clothes and hands and before I know it, my allergy symptoms are in full glory. “Oh, just push her away,” the doting cat owner will say. Problem is, just doing that is enough to prompt my suffering. Even if I weren’t allergic, though, I'm not keen on having animal hair all over my clothes (or dainty finger sandwiches, yuck).  Additionally, some folks simply are afraid of animals. Whether that fear is rational or not, your carefully orchestrated shower is not the time or the place to prove that your pets are nothing to fear. My advice is to do what you can to make your guests feel comfortable in your home, and if that means moving your animals to a spare bedroom for a few hours, it’s the right thing to do.

I have an acquaintance who is very competitive. She loves to talk about what a great mom she is, how brilliant her children are, how great she is at her job, how perfect her marriage is, etc. It's really annoying and unfortunately, I have to see her quite often. Any suggestions for getting her to shut up?

Beth says:  We all know them...the people who love to not only brag about their lives, but seem to be purposefully trying to make you feel bad about yours?  In my experience, people who feel the need to toot their own horn are often hopelessly insecure and full of crap.  Remember how Kathie Lee Gifford used to brag about how picture-perfect her marriage was until Frank banged a stewardess on hidden camera?  Yeah, that shut her up!  Bottom line, it takes two to have a conversation and you shouldn't give anyone the power to make you feel bad about yourself.  While it may tempting to try and come back at them, it's only going to add fuel to the fire.  Change the subject and then walk away, thinking "Oh, she's just so tragic!" and giggle to yourself.

Kevin says:  Seriously, the question isn’t how to get her to shut up; it’s why are you continuing to socialize with someone you obviously don’t particularly like? My advice is to wind down the friendship --- taking longer and longer to accept invitations to hang out, extending fewer and fewer invitations yourself, until the friendship slowly recedes. In the meantime, when faced with her ongoing soliloquies you simply have to smile politely and attempt to change the subject to something more neutral. If this is someone you see, say, while picking up your kids from school or while serving on a committee together, you steer the conversation back to neutral topics you have in common (the school calendar or committee activities).

A Statement About the Kardashian Break Up

Til death do us part?  Nahhhh!

A Gay and a Gal love weddings. We've had three between the two of us. However, we are in the lucky group of U.S. citizens allowed to make our commitments legal. For many loving and committed gay couples, events like the 72-day marriage of Kim Kardashian and 36-hour marriage of Britney Spears are a collective slap in the face.

It is time to ask exactly what is a threat to the "sanctity" of marriage? Is it two people of the same gender who are in a healthy, positive relationship or one man and one woman who treat marriage with the same level of reverence they'd treat a pair of take-out chopsticks?

If straight people are honest, marriage has never been the sacred thing it's touted to be by politicians. It was originally created for financial gain and power, and this latest Kardashian wedding has certainly picked up that torch with vigor.

The hypocrisy screams here.

Please take a minute to go to one of these websites and show your support for those American citizens who continue to be victims of legalized prejudice. .

Freedom to Marry

Marriage Equality USA

What is your advice for getting over a broken heart?

Beth says:  Any time you experience heartbreak, you are in deep stress.  The first thing you must do is take care of your body because it's going to go through the ringer.  Force yourself to get enough sleep (but don't just lay in bed), eat properly (not just ice cream and chocolate), take showers, get dressed every day and get out in the sun.  Then take care of your mind and your heart--surround yourself with people who love you.  Resist the urge to shut down and shut everyone out.  Stay busy. 

Most important--you may have lost the love of your life, but you still have your dignity!  Hold onto that!  Avoid the phone at all costs.  Emotional confrontations where you demand answers to questions that won't satisfy you no matter what, are the worst possible thing for your heart. Try to move from sadness to anger (a much more empowering emotion) and then onto picking up the pieces.  Living well is, after all, the best revenge.

Kevin says:  When you’re hurting, the old stand-by answer “Time” does not seem helpful. Unfortunately, it really is the only answer. The key is what you do with the time while you’re nursing your broken heart. You have to give yourself a period to grieve the loss, and then you have to move forward in spite of whatever pain you’re feeling. If you find yourself completely stuck, say, for months at a time, it may be time to call in reinforcements to help you recalibrate your life. A few sessions with a good talk therapist can work wonders in helping you see why your relationship ended (or needed to end), what you could or should do differently in the future, how to better identify warning signs, and how to value yourself as a single person. In terms of how to move forward, the short answer is “fake it ‘til you make it.” Put on a smile, do what you can to help others, take extreme care of yourself, and repeat until you forget why you’re doing it.

What are the best shows on TV right now? What shows are "over" in your mind?

Beth says:  Hands down, the best show on TV right now is "Modern Family". It is hilarious, with great characters and stories that range from outrageous to touching.  I also love "Mike and Molly"--especially the character of Mike's mother.  In terms of new shows, I am really enjoying "American Horror Story" (not just spooky, it slides easily over the line into the realm of completely f*cked up), "New Girl" with the delightfully quirky Zooey Deschannel  and "Up All Night" with Christina Applegate.

Shows that I'm getting bored with/have overstayed their welcome?  Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Glee and longstanding reality shows Dancing with the Stars and American Idol.  It's all same stuff, different faces at this point.

Kevin says:  I love TV, and I hate TV. I like watching TV, but I have a kind of ADD when it comes to actual TV shows. I don't have Tevo, and I don't have a set schedule for watching shows, preferring to wait until I can watch a whole season in one long sitting. As a result, I don't become terribly attached to particular shows as they play on TV, often switching what I watch week to week. With that said, I find that I "happen" to watch certain shows each week --- usually because they're on opposite shows I know I don't want to watch (any reality show, for instance), rather than because I "love" them..

With that said, I'll share with you the current shows I sort-of-regularly watch and those I've recently been watching on Hulu or Netflix.

Current shows I LOVE
Modern Family: This, I believe, is not only the best show currently on TV, I think that it is probably the best cast, best written show on TV in the last decade. Snappy writing and Sofia Vergara's boobs. You can't get better than that.
Mike & Molly: It took me a while to warm up to this show, but it turns out to be pretty solid. And, I've loved Swoosie Kurtz since she was on Sisters with Sela Ward!
The Middle: This fairly traditional sitcom is saved by the wonderfully dysfunctional characters, all flawed but all completely loveable.
Big Bang Theory: Jim Parsons. Enuff said.
Hot in Cleveland: Betty White. Enuff said.

Current shows I like in spite of myself
Two Broke Girls: I didn't have high hopes for this odd-couple type sitcom with fish-out-of-water undertones. It's funny, and Kat Dennings is wonderful.
Happy Endings: The new version of Friends. Good looking people and decent writing. I like that the gay character is a douche-y dude-bro.
Revenge: I've only caught a few episodes of this show, but it's delightfully trashy in an old-school Dynasty sort of way.

Shows that are on the downswing
Two and a Half Men: Let's face it, Two and a Half Men was on a downward trajectory even before Charlie Sheen's oh-so-public meltdown. Bringing on Ashton Kutcher is Fonzie jumping the shark all over again.
How I Met Your Mother: This sitcom has been covering the same ground over and over for the last four seasons. It's become boring.

Shows I've been watching on Netflix/Hulu and LOVE
Being Human (the UK version): Smarter than True Blood (and better written and acted), this vampire-werewolf-ghost drama is smart and engaging.
Damages: Glenn Close rips the scenery to shreds as a sinister high-profile attorney.
30 Rock: Tina Fey. Enuff said.
Satisfaction: I bet you've never heard of this one. It's an Australian drama set in a high-end brothel. Sexy situations, great writing, and a dynamite ensemble cast. I demand that you watch it. You won't be disappointed.
MI-5: Sexy British spies, including Matthew MacFadyen and Hermione Norris. So good!
Misfits: If Heroes and Skins had a baby, it would be Misfits.

My best friend is getting married and has asked me to be a bridesmaid. I was excited when she first asked me, but then I realized that between travel expenses, the dress, a wedding gift and a shower gift I am going to be out several hundred dollars. What are my options?

We can't all be Pippa!

Kevin says:  To say that today's wedding industry has become a behemoth is to become a master of the obvious (the average wedding now costs almost $30,000). As a result, there seems a never-ending series of official events accompanying every wedding, all of which bring with them an opportunity to give a gift (thereby enriching the industrial wedding complex even further). I'm not sure what Miss Manners would say, but here's my philosophy: A couple who invites me to their wedding --- or shower or post-engagement party or whatever --- gets one gift. That's one gift per wedding, not one gift per event. If you are so inclined to give more than one gift, go for it, but you ABSOLUTELY DO NOT have to give a gift for every wedding-related function to which you're invited. From an etiquette standpoint, this couple is inviting you to witness and celebrate their union, not to subsidize it.

Further, one could argue that your participation in the wedding party (and assuming all the associated costs) is your gift to the marrying couple. No muss, no fuss. If, in spite of this perspective, you still feel that participating in the wedding will cause you a financial hardship, you need to have a conversation with your friend. If the wedding preparations are not too far along, perhaps you could quietly step into a different role at the wedding --- doing a reading, monitoring the guest book, assisting the videographer/photographer, etc. --- that wouldn't be so difficult on your wallet. If, on the other hand, the wedding preparations are too far underway to slip into a different role, you'll need to come clean with your friend as soon as possible and let her know your predicament; there may be a way to offset some of your expenses. Barring that, unfortunately, you may be stuck sucking up those costs ... and learning a valuable lesson.

Beth says:  I have been in numerous weddings and had two of my own.  Both as a bride and as a member of the bridal party, I always felt that the point of it all was to share a really important day with special friends.  With that in mind, your participation should really be the only thing that is required, other than any wedding-related costuming requirements.  Be honest with your bride.  Tell her you are so thrilled to be included but you are strapped for cash.  A true friend will understand.

I've often heard that "God doesn't give you more than you can handle," but lately I find myself frustrated with my share of life's challenges & wonder what gives?! Is there any truth to that saying & what do I do to keep my wits about me without throwing in the towel?

Kevin says:  "Life sucks ... and then you die." Nice, right? We've all heard it before. Hell, we've all felt it before. Life is hard. Fortunately, it is punctuated, sometimes quite unexpectedly, with transcendent moments of joy, humor, and beauty. In our darkest moments, it's often difficult to tune our frequencies to those moments. I have a wonderful friend who regularly posts her daily gratitude lists to Facebook (Hey, Special K!). Those gratitude lists are a reminder that constantly finding things to be grateful for is a valuable exercise. Gratitude is a muscle that you need to flex and strengthen, so that in times of great stress, you can more easily keep things in proper perspective.

Beth says:  I think that is one of those things that people say meaning to comfort you, but in reality it just pisses you off.  I don't profess to know how it all works, but the God I believe in does not throw out suffering just to prove a point. I've never believed the whole "God is testing you" thing--I think He has bigger fish to fry.  Life is difficult.  However, if you live your life with integrity and treat people with respect and  kindness, even in your darkest moments, you will have people there to support you.  I know so many people who have been through times of great crisis and pain, who have felt incredibly blessed by the love and support they have been shown by the people around them.  Try to hold on to the idea that you are loved and supported and people will be there for you to get you through your lowest moments.

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What 5 people would you invite to your celebrity dinner party and why?

Cleopatra

Kevin says:  Cleopatra and Jesus, because I have so many questions for them.

Oliver Hudson

Oliver Hudson, because he’s so damn pretty to look at.
Ellen Degeneres, because she’s funny.
Bill Clinton, because I bet he’d tell some great stories if you got him liquored up (or maybe even if you didn’t!).






Beth says:  Charlie Sheen.  I want to see what he's really all about.

Chris Cofer

Melissa McCarthy

Chris Cofer--the guy who plays Kurt on "Glee"--after a few drinks, I'd like to see him and Charlie Sheen do a duet of "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart" on the Karaoke machine. 
Britney Spears- she and Charlie Sheen are a perfect storm for an evening of out of control frivolity
Jimmy Fallon - he's my favorite Late Night talk show host
Melissa McCarthy - Did you see Bridesmaids?  Do you watch "Mike and Molly"?  She is hilarious.