I've been dating someone for over a year. This relationship means way more to her than it does to me. I've been very clear that this relationship has no future, and she claims to be fine with that. How can I get out of this relationship without looking like a dick?

Beth says: So basically, you have told this girl that she's okay to party and sleep with, but not to have a real relationship with, and she doesn't have enough self-respect to tell you to take a hike?  No matter what she says, it's a rare situation where a woman is truly cool with that.  You guys aren't just "friends with benefits" (which is tricky to pull off to begin with) and you aren't interested in taking it to the next level.  I am willing to bet money that she is hanging in there hoping for one of the following scenarios:

a.  You will see how cool and wonderful she is and change your mind.

b.  She thinks you are emotionally damaged and afraid and that she can be so cool and wonderful that she can "fix" you.

c.  Since she's really into you, she's hoping she can talk herself into being satisfied in a relationship that isn't what she wants (or frankly, deserves).

Props to you for being upfront, but I sense that the guilt is setting in and you are antsy to be done with it.  No one should stay in a relationship just out of guilt.  You need to break it off asap.  My husband says that "Anyone you have slept with less than 17 times can be dumped via phone call".  That is questionable, but based on how long you've been together (and I would assume, you've done it more than 17 times in that one year, or else why would you have hung in there this long?), you really should give her the courtesy of a face to face break up.

The issue is that she may turn into a Stage 5 Clinger, because she's held out hoping things would change.  You have to make her see that you are serious and this is done.  I would suggest a little white lie, something along the lines of "I've met someone else..." and then end all contact.  Don't be drawn into the old "Let's do it one more time for the road!" ploy! Don't answer any texts, emails or phone calls.  Don't be Facebook friends.  Anything along those lines will give false hope.  Rip off the band-aid and then move on!  You will be doing you both a favor!

Kevin says:  Some people will think you're a dick simply for having bluntly expressed the non-romantic sentiment that your current relationship has no chance of blossoming into something more. Often, those who express such notions --- that defy the rom-com ideal of true love --- are vilified for it. Or worse, those romantic partners who don't subscribe to the same idea may attempt to change your mind. Ugh.

So, first, kudos to you for your honesty, I say.

If you have done nothing to lead your girlfriend on (no talks of the future, no ring perusal at Jared's, no chats about next year's summer vacation), then you're ethically off the hook. But, you need to look very honestly at your past actions. Have your deeds belied your words? If they have, before you do anything else, you need to apologize for how your actions may have given your girlfriend a mixed message.

But, before I go further I have to ask, do you feel obligated to break up simply because she's more invested in the relationship than you are? Or, has the relationship run its natural course? If you're enjoying the current status of the relationship and you've been honest with your girlfriend, there's absolutely no need to break up at all. Keep doing what you're doing, honestly and transparently.

But, assuming your otherwise complete and transparent honesty --- and assuming that you DO feel like the relationship has run its course --- you simply sit down with your girlfriend, face to face, and explain that you feel that the relationship is over and that it's best if you stop seeing each other. Here's the gist: "Sara, I need to talk to you about a few things. I care about you very much, but this relationship is not working out for me, and I think we need to end things. I've thought about this a lot, and I've made up my mind. I don't want to hurt you, and I'll always be glad I got a chance to share this time with you, but it's over."

Then, you should be prepared to answer a few questions. Depending on the depth/length of your relationship, she may need some answers in order to get closure. It may help to practice some answers in your head beforehand ("Why? What did I / didn't I do? Is there something wrong with me? What if I did ______________? You asshole, you led me on!"). Respond honestly, but choose your words carefully, and never say anything purposefully hurtful. You'll inevitably lean into the time honored "it's-not-you-it's-me-dialog," and that's totally fine.

If she tries to talk you back into the relationship, hold your ground and reiterate what you said initially. There are reasons that you want out and you need to be true to yourself, it’s not fair to go back to dating someone that you have no feelings for anymore just because you feel guilty.

Here are some additional Dos and Don'ts. They won't guarantee that you won't be thought a dick, but they may help minimize the chance!

DO:

Think over what you want and why you want it. Take time to consider your feelings and the reasons for your decision. Be true to yourself. Even if the other person might be hurt by your decision, it's OK to do what's right for you. You just need to do it in a sensitive way.
Think about what you'll say and how the other person might react. Will your girlfriend be surprised? Sad? Mad? Hurt? Or even relieved? Thinking about the other person's point of view and feelings can help you be sensitive. It also helps you prepare. Do you think the person you're breaking up with might cry? Lose his or her temper? How will you deal with that kind of reaction?

Have good intentions. Let your girlfriend know she matters to you. Think about the qualities you want to show toward her — honesty, kindness, sensitivity, respect, caring.

Be honest — but not brutal. Tell your girlfriend the things that attracted you in the first place, and what you like about her. Then say why you want to move on. "Honesty" doesn't mean "harsh." Don't pick her apart as a way to explain what's not working. Think of ways to be kind and gentle while still being honest.

Say it in person. You've shared a lot with each other. Respect that (and show your good qualities) by breaking up in person. If you live far away, try to video chat or at least make a phone call. Breaking up through texting or Facebook may seem easy. But think about how you'd feel if someone you cared deeply about did that to you — and what your friends would say about that person's character!

If it helps, confide in someone you trust. It can help to talk through your feelings with a trusted friend. But be sure the person you confide in can keep it private until you have your actual break-up conversation with your girlfriend. Make sure your girlfriend hears it from you first — not from someone else.

DON'T:

Don't avoid the other person or the conversation you need to have. Dragging things out makes it harder in the long run — for you and your girlfriend. Plus, when people put things off, information can leak out anyway. You never want the person you're breaking up with to hear it from someone else before hearing it from you.

Don't rush into a difficult conversation without thinking it through. You may say things you regret.

Don't disrespect. Speak about your ex (or soon-to-be ex) with respect. Be careful not to gossip or badmouth her. Think about how you'd feel. You'd want your ex to say only positive things about you after you're no longer together. Plus, you never know — your ex could turn into a friend or you might even rekindle a romance someday when you're both at different points in your lives.

I have been married for 15 years. Over the course of my marriage my mother in law has been rude and aggressive with me many times and my husband never stands up for me. That's fine because I'm an adult. However, she has now started going after my children, including my 8 year old. Last week she yelled at him for no reason and made him cry. I was livid and asked my husband to talk to her. He never did and I suspect he never will. How can I handle this?

Kevin says:  Growing up in a household where his mom was aggressive and difficult has taught your husband that standing up to her is a lose-lose proposition. This explains, but does not excuse, your husband’s behavior. Your husband has --- and likely other members of his immediately family have --- been efficiently trained by your mother-in-law to do what she wants.

You don’t say in your question, but I will presume that you have talked to your husband about how your MIL’s behavior affects you. If you haven’t, now’s an excellent opportunity. You can say, “Look, honey, I understand why you’ve been reluctant to speak to your mom about how she treats me. I’m an adult, so I can fight my own battles --- no harm, no foul. That said, now that she’s got the kids in her sights, we’ve got to do something.” Then, you give your husband one last opportunity to handle the situation, either with you standing at his side or not.

If he chooses not to deal with this situation head on, it will be up to you. Tell your husband that the next time she gets out of line with one of your kids that you’re going to confront her --- nicely, but that you’re going to confront her nevertheless. Then, the next time she lays in to one of your kids, you pull her aside and say, “Paula, I know that what Sally was doing was annoying to you, but she’s our daughter and this is how we handle such behavior in our house.” Then, you go on and calmly explain how discipline works in your household (even if you’ve explained it a thousand times before). No matter what, stay calm and in control.

If she continues her bad behavior, whatever it is, you pack up the kids, thank her for the hospitality, and head home. If this all takes place at your house and she’s a visitor, you say, “Well this has been a fun visit! I’m so sorry you have to leave so soon.” Then, you smile, give her a hug, and help her pack --- as if her sudden decision to leave was her idea all along. She’ll probably be so dumbfounded that she’ll comply. If she calls later to complain, simply remind her of how the new rules are going to work --- the moment she lays into one of your kids again, that visit will be over. Wet hair, lather, rinse, repeat until she learns the new boundaries.

Beth says:  If your husband has been passive about confronting family for 14 years, his response to this (while totally frustrating) should not be a surprise.  I assume that you have been clear with him over the years about your concerns and how upsetting this situation is to you.  If you haven't, then the first step is calmly making your concerns known.  If you have, then it is reasonable to take matters into your own hands, as long as you do so maturely and respectfully.  Do not lower yourself to combative behavior no matter how she acts.  One way is to parrot, "I'm sorry you feel that way" repeatedly until she runs out of steam.

Now all that said, if she goes after your children unfairly, then you absolutely should stand up to her.  Say, "Martha, I can see that you are upset, let's talk about this privately."  Once you get her alone, hear her out, and then make it clear that yelling at or emotionally manipulating your children is not acceptable behavior.  Remember that many of our parents are from the "spanking and belittling school of discipline".  It's a different world for them.  My former father-in-law once yelled at, shook and then slapped my young son on an overnight visit.  My ex refused to address it with him, taking the stance that they just would not be left alone with the kids.  I calmly told my father-in-law that we do not hit our children and that if he becomes frustrated, a time out and a call to me would be the best way to handle the problem.  He wasn't pleased, but it didn't matter. Bottom line, you are the mom and no matter whose parents they are, you call the shots when it comes to your kids.

Are thank you notes absolutely necessary or is a phone call from my kids to Grandma good enough?

Kevin says:  The rule for kids is the same as for adults: A heartfelt verbal thank you for a gift received in person is sufficient. If a gift is not given in person (delivered by mail, for instance), a written thank you note is mandatory. As soon as children are old enough to print their names, they can at least sign a thank you note written by (or dictated to) mom or dad. I know many parents who shelve a new gift until a child has written a thank you note. No gift should ever go unacknowledged. Ever.

Beth says:  If you want to go by the etiquette books a written thank you is a must.  However, my mom really enjoys a conversation with my kids as much as a note in the mail, so often they just call her to thank her and chat.  To me, what is a must, is that the gift be acknowledged promptly.  Many times I have sent gifts and have had to say "Did he get my gift?" to the parent. Unacceptable.  If I took the time to buy and send a gift, your kid can take five minutes to call and say thank you.  That said, I do written thank yous as well.  I had both my kids write A Gay a thank you note after he took them on their 12th Birthday Trips of a  Lifetime and there are other situations where I have insisted on a formal reply as well (especially to relatives that my kids might not feel comfortable calling).  In a perfect world, it would be all thank you notes, all the time.  In my world, I just try to get the gift acknowledged right away.

How do you say goodbye to a salon (nail/hair) you have been going to for years and developed a relationship with the operators? When you get a message from them asking if you are okay because they haven't seen you for awhile, do you respond?

Beth says:  Remember that these are not your friends--they are a business and you are their customer.  Again, I always go with the most passive of responses.   If they happen to catch you by phone again, assure them that all is well and brush them off with a "I've been really busy" type of excuse.  Otherwise, I wouldn't respond at all.  If it is absolutely killing you, return their call after hours and leave a message on the machine with the all is well/I'm so busy message.  

Kevin says:  The relationship you have with the salon is a professional one --- no matter how intimate. If you find that you need to leave a salon, you should never feel guilty. That said, what those calls are really saying is, "We have noticed that you haven't been in in a while. Is there something we've done or didn't do that could have made a difference?" You should decide how you'd answer that question before you decide to respond. As a small business owner myself, I internalize every unreturned voice mail: "Have I done something to push my client away?" A few things to consider in deciding how or if to respond to such queries: The length and quality of your relationship (the longer the relationship, the greater the argument for responding --- so is the quality of the relationship, even if it has cooled over time); the actual reason for your leaving the salon (Did one of the employees treat you badly? Have you simply found a salon closer to home? Are your family's finances tighter now?); or the likelihood that you may decide to return in the future. Being a small business owner is a tough proposition, especially in this economy. If you've had a positive relationship with the salon AND if you think the answer to these questions would put the salon owner's mind at rest, or help him or her improve their business, I'd encourage you to consider responding. If not, feel free not to respond at all.

What do you do if your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend from a couple years ago is still sending him texts every few weeks despite him asking her to leave him alone?

Beth says:  I am notoriously friendly with most of my ex-boyfriends.  My Facebook friends include grade school and college boyfriends, as well as the guy I dated before I met my husband.  The reasons both my husband and I are comfortable with this are as follows:

1. We are secure in our relationship.
2. There is no unfinished business with the previous relationships.
3. There are boundaries and those friendships are nowhere even remotely close to crossing them. 
4. My ex-boyfriends are fun, stable, normal people who I enjoy maintaining contact with. We've developed friendships that have eclipsed the initial dating relationship.

I would also like to mention that with the exception of one, these are all people I dated more than twenty years ago.  If they were going to go nuts on me, it would've happened long before now.

The issue that concerns me in your question is that this person is continuing to contact your current partner despite his requests that she stop.  Unfortunately, you can't really do anything except vocalize to your partner how much this bothers you.  He really has to handle it.  There are few people really crazy enough to continue contacting someone who truly doesn't want to be contacted.  So, my advice to him is that if he truly feels he has made his feelings clear about contact, then to just ignore her until she gives up.  Don't be shrewish about it--he is with you now, after all.  Until then, just bite the bullet and don't let it get to you.

Of course, if the contact continues or becomes threatening in any way, he should speak to local law enforcement about a cease contact order, after keeping a careful record of the contact. 

Kevin says:  I'm sure this must be very irritating. First, I'd be curious what the content of these texts is. I'd make allowances for the difference between,"Hey, you've got some mail at my house. Let me know if you want me to forward it to you" and "I heard 'our' song on the radio today and it made me think of you." One can be dealt with easily enough; the other is more troubling. If the texts are more on the ministerial side, you may wish to try and take a breath and look the other way. If the messages are more "I miss you, Schmoopie," you have every right to let your boyfriend know --- calmly and logically --- how you're feeling. Acknowledge your jealousy (or whatever else you're feeling), even if you worry that it casts you in a bad light. You are, after all, entitled to your feelings --- though you're not necessarily entitled to "act" on your feelings.

Also, understand that this girl was once important to your boyfriend. Being able to maintain a positive, proper relationship with an ex is a good thing and can speak to your boyfriend's character.

It also sounds like your boyfriend is giving this girl mixed messages. I call it the "Come hither, go away" phenomenon. Simply responding to a text to say, "Go away" really can be interpreted, "Come hither." After telling this girl to cease contact, he really should not reply again. Rather, if he wants no further contact with her, he should block her number and be done.

Since you're the one writing in to ask the question and not him, I'd also acknowledge that he may enjoy not only the attention that he's getting from the ex but also the jealousy that it's creating in you. Only you can determine if this is the case.

Our New Year's Revolution!

Beth's List: 

Well, here we go....This is the time of year where you make all kind of promises to yourself, with the unspoken thought that you probably will break them, followed by intense self loathing.

This Gal would like to suggest that you instead, make a list of the things that you did right in 2011 with the promise that you will continue to keep up the good work in 2012.  It's so much more fun!

1.  No question, the best thing I did in 2011 was to find an exercise program that I enjoyed and stick with it. After many promises ("I will go to the gym once summer starts!", "I'm going to start walking/running/do the P90X videos!"), I finally decided to follow through.  My motivation came not so much out of vanity, but due to crippling back pain and general aches that have come with being over 40 and a job the requires me to stand all the time.  My sister turned me on to the Zumba home videos and I now get up at 5:00 a.m. five days a week to meringue my way to fitness.  It's rough, but I have discovered that getting up at 5 a.m. sucks no more than getting up at 5:45 and I feel much better all day.

2.  I am really enjoying my job.  After feeling like I'd been hazed my first year of teaching, I really hit  my stride this year.  Most days, I am excited to go to work.

3.  I have a great relationship with my ex. I am very proud that despite a huge learning curve, my ex and I are true partners in parenting our children.  This isn't always possible and I am so happy that we've been able to rise above our differences to have the best interest of our kids prioritized.

4.  I am good to myself. This year I really made an effort to do things that made me happy.  I made time for friends, travel, relaxing and visits to my favorite spa. 

5.  I am reading more.  I know that it may seem hard to believe that an English teacher might not read much, but it is sadly true.  Last year, I read, or re-read, everything I needed to teach (Of Mice and Men, Beowulf, A Raisin in the Sun, and a mind-numbing list of other works of American and British lit).  By summer, I was ready to read for pleasure.  My sister (that's two mentions in one column, Susie!) got me a Kindle for my birthday and I love the convenience it offers.  I've read everything from Rob Lowe's autobiography to House of Holes (wow...just wow...is all I can say) to re-reading my childhood favorite Petals on the Wind.  Yep, my taste is trashy and indulgent and I'm proud!

Kevin’s rules for 2012:
Set and write down your yearly goals now. I work with a business coach and as part of my ongoing assignments, she asks me regularly to write out my goals (short- and long-term). It’s a much more difficult exercise than you might think. But here is what I’ve learned from the exercise: Don’t go crazy. Seriously, three to five goals is perfect. They should be specific, measurable, and realistic. And they should have meaning and context for you. They should be more than, “It would be nice if…” Understand and internalize the reason why you want to achieve a certain goal. You should easily be able to visualize what it will look like when you’ve achieved these goals. For instance, one of my goals for 2012 is to refresh my proficiency in French. I studied French all through high school and college --- but have lost almost all of it in the intervening years. So, my goal is to be able to watch and understand a movie in French by November of 2012 (simple, measurable, and easy to visualize).

Be willing to say yes to new opportunities. This was one of my rules for 2011, and I’m going to continue it into 2012. Mostly, this has to do with being open to new things in general. It’s impossible to know where new opportunities are coming from and what they’ll look like. So, having the mindset of “yes” when presented with a new opportunity can lead to the unexpected. And you can always reverse course if you need to. For instance, I have single female friends who say they’ll go on a first date with anyone who asks (well, so long as they’re not stalkerish!) --- even if that means they may go out with someone they might otherwise overlook. You just never know what might happen!

Be willing to say no to new commitments. Especially if a new commitment does not support your primary yearly goals. It’s so easy to get guilted into new commitments --- chairing a committee, hosting a fundraiser, chaperoning a field trip. Learning to say, “I’m so sorry, but my calendar is full right now,” (with a smile!) can be surprisingly revelatory. 

Support local businesses. When you purchase from locally owned businesses --- rather than nationally owned --- more money is kept in your community; locally owned businesses often purchase from other local businesses, service providers, and farms. In turn, this requires less transportation and less stress on the environment. Further, local development contributes less to sprawl, congestion, habitat loss, and pollution. Additionally, small local businesses are the largest employers nationally. Local businesses often hire people with more specific product expertise and personal investment, which leads to better customer service.

Buy American. When you buy a product, you don’t just consume, you're also supporting values. If I asked you to entertain the thought of supporting poor wages, child labor, poor working conditions, contaminated products, environmental pollution, waste of natural resources, and an ever-increasing mountain of trash that will take hundreds of years to decompose, how would you feel? Most people are disgusted by these ideas --- but then they don't think twice about blindly purchasing foreign products that contribute to some or all of those things, simply because they're cheap. If you don’t want to contribute to those issues, you have to change the way you shop and consume. Buy products produced locally, support companies that make an effort to become sustainable, and where possible, choose American-manufactured products over those manufactured abroad.

Cook from scratch as often as possible. There are many benefits to cooking from scratch. First, you know exactly what goes into the food that you are eating. No more excess salt, fat, and carbs --- unless you want them, of course! Second, you save money. Processed foods are not only often unhealthy, but they are often much more expensive than making them yourself. Cooking from scratch is a fantastic way to save money on groceries. And third, homemade food simply tastes better. But how to get started if you're reliant on processed and prepared foods? I'd recommend getting a copy of Mark Bittman's "How to Cook Everything" cookbook. Mr. Bittman's straightforward instructions and advice will help you make delicious meals using fresh, natural ingredients; simple techniques; and basic equipment.

Incorporate exercise into daily activities. We’ve all heard this advice before and it seems so easy. Unfortunately, it’s harder than you might think. I try to get to yoga a couple of times a week, and I’ve just received the Zumba fitness DVD set (as recommended by Beth), but some weeks --- despite your best effort --- an organized fitness class or time spent in front of the DVD player is just not in the cards. When all else fails, walking is your best friend. I think about Parisians, who subsist on a diet of wine, cigarettes, Laduree macarons, and pains au chocolat --- and yet who are rail thin. They stay thin by walking EVERYWHERE. You can do the same. Here are a few additional ideas: Start taking the furthest away parking spot and get in a few extra steps between your car and your destination; get off the bus or subway one or two stops before your normal stop and walk the rest of the way; choose the stairs over the elevator; go dancing; practice perfect posture.

Say thanks and mean it. Gratitude is meant to be practiced regularly. I have a wonderful friend who regularly posts her daily gratitude lists to Facebook (Hey, Special K!). Those gratitude lists are a reminder that constantly finding things to be grateful for is a valuable exercise. Gratitude is a muscle that you need to flex and strengthen, so that in times of great stress, you can more easily keep things in proper perspective.

I have a friend who is perpetually late. Every time we meet, I am sitting waiting in a restaurant for at least half an hour. What can I say to her?

Beth says:  How close are you to this person?  The reason I ask is because twice in my life I have taken a stand against tardy friends and I have regretted it both times.  I'd rather have them in my life and wait, than risk hurting the friendship. People have all kinds of reasons for being chronically late and it really has nothing to do with you.  You can try to work around it by automatically showing up 30 minutes later than the appointed time or you can ask them to call when you when they are on their way.  For me, the bottom line is that true friendship is precious and that you should offer people the same grace/slack you would ask from them when you inevitably screw up or show your faults.  If this is not a close friend, then I would just stop making plans with them.

Kevin says:  To someone who is chronically punctual, like myself, the chronically late make my blood boil. The answer to the following question would determine how I responded: Does this person arrive on time for events that are important to her (picking up the kids from school, getting to work or a doctor’s appointment)? If your friend is late for EVERYTHING, not just engagements with you, you tell her calmly how it makes you feel when she’s late --- “Sheila, I love hanging out with you, but when you’re late, it makes me feel like you don’t value our time together.” ---and then you drop it. In the future, you simply limit your exposure to her lack of punctuality (don’t make plans to see a movie together, for instance).

If, however, your friend is only late when she has plans with you, here’s a clever (but perhaps a tad harsh) approach for when you’ve arrived at your last (gay) nerve:

·         Be on time to your meeting and turn off your cell phone (or put it in airplane mode) as soon as you arrive.

·         Set a timer for 15 minutes, order a drink, and relax.

·         If your friend doesn't show up after 15 minutes or by the time you’ve finished your drink, turn your phone back on, and leave.

When your notoriously late friend arrives and can’t find you, she’ll call you to blame you for being late. Be strong and explain in calm voice that you were there on time, you waited for her while having a drink, and left when you determined that she wasn’t coming. She may be hurt, and even mad, but you can explain that you respected her enough to be on time to your meeting and that you expect the same. If she is still upset, you may have to accept that your friendship has run its course.

K