I have been married for 15 years. Over the course of my marriage my mother in law has been rude and aggressive with me many times and my husband never stands up for me. That's fine because I'm an adult. However, she has now started going after my children, including my 8 year old. Last week she yelled at him for no reason and made him cry. I was livid and asked my husband to talk to her. He never did and I suspect he never will. How can I handle this?

Kevin says:  Growing up in a household where his mom was aggressive and difficult has taught your husband that standing up to her is a lose-lose proposition. This explains, but does not excuse, your husband’s behavior. Your husband has --- and likely other members of his immediately family have --- been efficiently trained by your mother-in-law to do what she wants.

You don’t say in your question, but I will presume that you have talked to your husband about how your MIL’s behavior affects you. If you haven’t, now’s an excellent opportunity. You can say, “Look, honey, I understand why you’ve been reluctant to speak to your mom about how she treats me. I’m an adult, so I can fight my own battles --- no harm, no foul. That said, now that she’s got the kids in her sights, we’ve got to do something.” Then, you give your husband one last opportunity to handle the situation, either with you standing at his side or not.

If he chooses not to deal with this situation head on, it will be up to you. Tell your husband that the next time she gets out of line with one of your kids that you’re going to confront her --- nicely, but that you’re going to confront her nevertheless. Then, the next time she lays in to one of your kids, you pull her aside and say, “Paula, I know that what Sally was doing was annoying to you, but she’s our daughter and this is how we handle such behavior in our house.” Then, you go on and calmly explain how discipline works in your household (even if you’ve explained it a thousand times before). No matter what, stay calm and in control.

If she continues her bad behavior, whatever it is, you pack up the kids, thank her for the hospitality, and head home. If this all takes place at your house and she’s a visitor, you say, “Well this has been a fun visit! I’m so sorry you have to leave so soon.” Then, you smile, give her a hug, and help her pack --- as if her sudden decision to leave was her idea all along. She’ll probably be so dumbfounded that she’ll comply. If she calls later to complain, simply remind her of how the new rules are going to work --- the moment she lays into one of your kids again, that visit will be over. Wet hair, lather, rinse, repeat until she learns the new boundaries.

Beth says:  If your husband has been passive about confronting family for 14 years, his response to this (while totally frustrating) should not be a surprise.  I assume that you have been clear with him over the years about your concerns and how upsetting this situation is to you.  If you haven't, then the first step is calmly making your concerns known.  If you have, then it is reasonable to take matters into your own hands, as long as you do so maturely and respectfully.  Do not lower yourself to combative behavior no matter how she acts.  One way is to parrot, "I'm sorry you feel that way" repeatedly until she runs out of steam.

Now all that said, if she goes after your children unfairly, then you absolutely should stand up to her.  Say, "Martha, I can see that you are upset, let's talk about this privately."  Once you get her alone, hear her out, and then make it clear that yelling at or emotionally manipulating your children is not acceptable behavior.  Remember that many of our parents are from the "spanking and belittling school of discipline".  It's a different world for them.  My former father-in-law once yelled at, shook and then slapped my young son on an overnight visit.  My ex refused to address it with him, taking the stance that they just would not be left alone with the kids.  I calmly told my father-in-law that we do not hit our children and that if he becomes frustrated, a time out and a call to me would be the best way to handle the problem.  He wasn't pleased, but it didn't matter. Bottom line, you are the mom and no matter whose parents they are, you call the shots when it comes to your kids.