Beth says: So basically, you have told this girl that she's okay to party and sleep with, but not to have a real relationship with, and she doesn't have enough self-respect to tell you to take a hike? No matter what she says, it's a rare situation where a woman is truly cool with that. You guys aren't just "friends with benefits" (which is tricky to pull off to begin with) and you aren't interested in taking it to the next level. I am willing to bet money that she is hanging in there hoping for one of the following scenarios:
a. You will see how cool and wonderful she is and change your mind.
b. She thinks you are emotionally damaged and afraid and that she can be so cool and wonderful that she can "fix" you.
c. Since she's really into you, she's hoping she can talk herself into being satisfied in a relationship that isn't what she wants (or frankly, deserves).
Props to you for being upfront, but I sense that the guilt is setting in and you are antsy to be done with it. No one should stay in a relationship just out of guilt. You need to break it off asap. My husband says that "Anyone you have slept with less than 17 times can be dumped via phone call". That is questionable, but based on how long you've been together (and I would assume, you've done it more than 17 times in that one year, or else why would you have hung in there this long?), you really should give her the courtesy of a face to face break up.
The issue is that she may turn into a Stage 5 Clinger, because she's held out hoping things would change. You have to make her see that you are serious and this is done. I would suggest a little white lie, something along the lines of "I've met someone else..." and then end all contact. Don't be drawn into the old "Let's do it one more time for the road!" ploy! Don't answer any texts, emails or phone calls. Don't be Facebook friends. Anything along those lines will give false hope. Rip off the band-aid and then move on! You will be doing you both a favor!
Kevin says: Some people will think you're a dick simply for having bluntly
expressed the non-romantic sentiment that your current relationship has
no chance of blossoming into something more. Often, those who express
such notions --- that defy the rom-com ideal of true love --- are
vilified for it. Or worse, those romantic partners who don't subscribe
to the same idea may attempt to change your mind. Ugh.
So, first, kudos to you for your honesty, I say.
If you have done nothing to lead your girlfriend on (no talks of the future, no ring perusal at Jared's, no chats about next year's summer vacation), then you're ethically off the hook. But, you need to look very honestly at your past actions. Have your deeds belied your words? If they have, before you do anything else, you need to apologize for how your actions may have given your girlfriend a mixed message.
But, before I go further I have to ask, do you feel obligated to break up simply because she's more invested in the relationship than you are? Or, has the relationship run its natural course? If you're enjoying the current status of the relationship and you've been honest with your girlfriend, there's absolutely no need to break up at all. Keep doing what you're doing, honestly and transparently.
But, assuming your otherwise complete and transparent honesty --- and assuming that you DO feel like the relationship has run its course --- you simply sit down with your girlfriend, face to face, and explain that you feel that the relationship is over and that it's best if you stop seeing each other. Here's the gist: "Sara, I need to talk to you about a few things. I care about you very much, but this relationship is not working out for me, and I think we need to end things. I've thought about this a lot, and I've made up my mind. I don't want to hurt you, and I'll always be glad I got a chance to share this time with you, but it's over."
Then, you should be prepared to answer a few questions. Depending on the depth/length of your relationship, she may need some answers in order to get closure. It may help to practice some answers in your head beforehand ("Why? What did I / didn't I do? Is there something wrong with me? What if I did ______________? You asshole, you led me on!"). Respond honestly, but choose your words carefully, and never say anything purposefully hurtful. You'll inevitably lean into the time honored "it's-not-you-it's-me-dialog," and that's totally fine.
If she tries to talk you back into the relationship, hold your ground and reiterate what you said initially. There are reasons that you want out and you need to be true to yourself, it’s not fair to go back to dating someone that you have no feelings for anymore just because you feel guilty.
Here are some additional Dos and Don'ts. They won't guarantee that you won't be thought a dick, but they may help minimize the chance!
DO:
Think over what you want and why you want it. Take time to consider your feelings and the reasons for your decision. Be true to yourself. Even if the other person might be hurt by your decision, it's OK to do what's right for you. You just need to do it in a sensitive way.
Think about what you'll say and how the other person might react. Will your girlfriend be surprised? Sad? Mad? Hurt? Or even relieved? Thinking about the other person's point of view and feelings can help you be sensitive. It also helps you prepare. Do you think the person you're breaking up with might cry? Lose his or her temper? How will you deal with that kind of reaction?
Have good intentions. Let your girlfriend know she matters to you. Think about the qualities you want to show toward her — honesty, kindness, sensitivity, respect, caring.
Be honest — but not brutal. Tell your girlfriend the things that attracted you in the first place, and what you like about her. Then say why you want to move on. "Honesty" doesn't mean "harsh." Don't pick her apart as a way to explain what's not working. Think of ways to be kind and gentle while still being honest.
Say it in person. You've shared a lot with each other. Respect that (and show your good qualities) by breaking up in person. If you live far away, try to video chat or at least make a phone call. Breaking up through texting or Facebook may seem easy. But think about how you'd feel if someone you cared deeply about did that to you — and what your friends would say about that person's character!
If it helps, confide in someone you trust. It can help to talk through your feelings with a trusted friend. But be sure the person you confide in can keep it private until you have your actual break-up conversation with your girlfriend. Make sure your girlfriend hears it from you first — not from someone else.
DON'T:
Don't avoid the other person or the conversation you need to have. Dragging things out makes it harder in the long run — for you and your girlfriend. Plus, when people put things off, information can leak out anyway. You never want the person you're breaking up with to hear it from someone else before hearing it from you.
Don't rush into a difficult conversation without thinking it through. You may say things you regret.
Don't disrespect. Speak about your ex (or soon-to-be ex) with respect. Be careful not to gossip or badmouth her. Think about how you'd feel. You'd want your ex to say only positive things about you after you're no longer together. Plus, you never know — your ex could turn into a friend or you might even rekindle a romance someday when you're both at different points in your lives.
So, first, kudos to you for your honesty, I say.
If you have done nothing to lead your girlfriend on (no talks of the future, no ring perusal at Jared's, no chats about next year's summer vacation), then you're ethically off the hook. But, you need to look very honestly at your past actions. Have your deeds belied your words? If they have, before you do anything else, you need to apologize for how your actions may have given your girlfriend a mixed message.
But, before I go further I have to ask, do you feel obligated to break up simply because she's more invested in the relationship than you are? Or, has the relationship run its natural course? If you're enjoying the current status of the relationship and you've been honest with your girlfriend, there's absolutely no need to break up at all. Keep doing what you're doing, honestly and transparently.
But, assuming your otherwise complete and transparent honesty --- and assuming that you DO feel like the relationship has run its course --- you simply sit down with your girlfriend, face to face, and explain that you feel that the relationship is over and that it's best if you stop seeing each other. Here's the gist: "Sara, I need to talk to you about a few things. I care about you very much, but this relationship is not working out for me, and I think we need to end things. I've thought about this a lot, and I've made up my mind. I don't want to hurt you, and I'll always be glad I got a chance to share this time with you, but it's over."
Then, you should be prepared to answer a few questions. Depending on the depth/length of your relationship, she may need some answers in order to get closure. It may help to practice some answers in your head beforehand ("Why? What did I / didn't I do? Is there something wrong with me? What if I did ______________? You asshole, you led me on!"). Respond honestly, but choose your words carefully, and never say anything purposefully hurtful. You'll inevitably lean into the time honored "it's-not-you-it's-me-dialog," and that's totally fine.
If she tries to talk you back into the relationship, hold your ground and reiterate what you said initially. There are reasons that you want out and you need to be true to yourself, it’s not fair to go back to dating someone that you have no feelings for anymore just because you feel guilty.
Here are some additional Dos and Don'ts. They won't guarantee that you won't be thought a dick, but they may help minimize the chance!
DO:
Think over what you want and why you want it. Take time to consider your feelings and the reasons for your decision. Be true to yourself. Even if the other person might be hurt by your decision, it's OK to do what's right for you. You just need to do it in a sensitive way.
Think about what you'll say and how the other person might react. Will your girlfriend be surprised? Sad? Mad? Hurt? Or even relieved? Thinking about the other person's point of view and feelings can help you be sensitive. It also helps you prepare. Do you think the person you're breaking up with might cry? Lose his or her temper? How will you deal with that kind of reaction?
Have good intentions. Let your girlfriend know she matters to you. Think about the qualities you want to show toward her — honesty, kindness, sensitivity, respect, caring.
Be honest — but not brutal. Tell your girlfriend the things that attracted you in the first place, and what you like about her. Then say why you want to move on. "Honesty" doesn't mean "harsh." Don't pick her apart as a way to explain what's not working. Think of ways to be kind and gentle while still being honest.
Say it in person. You've shared a lot with each other. Respect that (and show your good qualities) by breaking up in person. If you live far away, try to video chat or at least make a phone call. Breaking up through texting or Facebook may seem easy. But think about how you'd feel if someone you cared deeply about did that to you — and what your friends would say about that person's character!
If it helps, confide in someone you trust. It can help to talk through your feelings with a trusted friend. But be sure the person you confide in can keep it private until you have your actual break-up conversation with your girlfriend. Make sure your girlfriend hears it from you first — not from someone else.
DON'T:
Don't avoid the other person or the conversation you need to have. Dragging things out makes it harder in the long run — for you and your girlfriend. Plus, when people put things off, information can leak out anyway. You never want the person you're breaking up with to hear it from someone else before hearing it from you.
Don't rush into a difficult conversation without thinking it through. You may say things you regret.
Don't disrespect. Speak about your ex (or soon-to-be ex) with respect. Be careful not to gossip or badmouth her. Think about how you'd feel. You'd want your ex to say only positive things about you after you're no longer together. Plus, you never know — your ex could turn into a friend or you might even rekindle a romance someday when you're both at different points in your lives.
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