When invited to a holiday party, should I always bring a host/ess gift?

Beth says:  I always ask, "What can I bring?"  Sometimes the hostess appreciates your bringing something more than a small token gift.  I almost always end up bringing something to eat or wine.  I rarely go to anything fancy or formal though, here in Suburbia!

Kevin says:  According to the Emily Post Institute, a host/ess gift is not necessary when invited to a cocktail party, but is if you’re invited to a dinner party (keep it simple and under $25); for a casual get together, say, brunch, a host/ess gift is optional.

I'm going to be spending Thanksgiving with my inlaws--and it will not be comfortable. I would like to achieve just the right amount of drunkdom to get through this experience. Any suggestions on a beverage of choice?

Beth says:  Let's start with what you should not drink.  I don't think wine is going to have the desired effect.  Wine is more of a "I'm in a relaxing atmosphere and I want to chill" drink.  Rum is for more festive, happy occasions, so that's just going to depress you further.  Tequila, also not a good idea for obvious reasons.  There is no reason to be drinking tequila unless you are in a situation where it's appropriate to be obnoxiously drunk and naked. That leaves bourbon or whiskey--both fine choices, but this Gal doesn't really drink the dark stuff.  Gin and tonic would be a safe choice.  However, last weekend (after I stood in the cold for an hour at 12:30 a.m. trying to get a cab and a Gay kindly picked me up) we stayed up until well after 2:00 a.m. drinking a festive little drink, which I will call The Dave Grohl, that might suit your purposes.  The Dave Grohl is a generous serving of vodka over ice, with cranberry juice and a splash of Fresca.  This is suitably festive to keep your spirits up, while having enough vodka in it to get you nice and numb/hammered.  You're welcome.

Kevin says:  The holidays are stressful. There's no getting around it. You don't ever seem to have enough time or money for the last two months of the year. That alone is enough to send your cortisol levels soaring, but combine that with spending time with other stressed humans and you've got a volatile combination.

I am personally a great fan of the medicinal properties of alcohol, but my advice on this count is actually to lay off the sauce as much as possible over the long holiday weekend, for a number of reasons. First, alcohol lowers our inhibitions, which can be a good thing --- but it can also loosen your tongue. Words said in a tipsy moment have a way of haunting us. What seems like a clever retort in the moment can easily be misconstrued. Second, dealing with a stressful holiday visit by medicating with alcohol is a very slippery slope. Even the most experienced drinkers can find it hard to manage their alcohol intake so that they're mellow but not drunk. It's going to be virtually impossible for someone who's less experienced at guaging their body's tolerance. And third, if you've had a few glasses of wine or cocktails, you'll be in no position to "pop out to the store for some cranberry sauce," when your mother-in-law asks you for the fifth time how you and her son are doing "in the bedroom" or when homophobic Aunt Mathilde demands to know why you're not married yet.

So, here are a few suggestions with dealing with the stress of uncomfortable holiday family gatherings:

Eat, drink, and be merry — within reason. The holidays are meant for celebration, so celebrate --- but have a plan in mind. Graze on protein (turkey, cheese, nuts) between meals to keep your insulin and hunger levels in check. Drink lots of water. Save the alcohol for mealtimes.

Exercise. When the stress seems overwhelming, take an exercise break. Just 30 minutes a day — a brisk walk, a run on the treadmill, or strength training — gives you a powerful tool to fend off stress. Exercise not only helps you manage weight and is good for your body, but it can help you de-stress and clear your mind.

Take time for yourself. Taking care of yourself helps you to take better care of others in your life. Go for a long walk or take time out to read or listen to your favorite music.

Understand that you can only control your behavior and no one elses. If you know your mother is going to comment endlessly on your weight or how you're raising your kids or how much your husband is drinking, keep a mental "snark bank." Every time your mom makes a snarky remark, don't engage. Simply smile, add $5 (or $1 or 25 cents) to your mental snark bank, and plan on how you'll reward yourself with that money later. A pedicure, a pumpkin spice latte, a ticket to see the new Twilight movie by yourself. Make it a game. Altering the way you relate might just change the dynamic between you and your mother!

Is there any etiquette for unfriending someone on Facebook? and What do you do if you unfriend someone and they become irate?

Beth says:  When I first got on Facebook, I was all about how many friends I could have.  Then I realized that just like in the "real world", quantity is not necessarily better than quality.  I have "thinned out" my friends list many times.  On occasion, I have had someone "re-friend" me and depending on why I dropped them in the first place (did they spew hateful rhetoric or were they just kind of boring?), I might add them back in.  Now on two occasions, I have received emails demanding to know why they had been unfriended.  In both cases, I ignored it.  Lucky for me, both were people I never see.  However, if this is someone you see and it's going to be awkward, you can go with one of two approaches.  The first is the white lie "Oh, I'm sorry, Carrie, I was just trimming down my list and I must have accidentally omitted you."  Or something along the lines of "Because of my job/some other conflict of interest, I decided to just have close friends and family as my FB friends."  The other is to be honest, "Well, Charlotte, to be honest, I was offended by some of your political comments." Facebook can cause some high drama--try to steer clear of it in whatever way works best for you!

Kevin says:  Recent changes to the architecture of the Facebook site have made this wicket a little less sticky. If you worry about  un-friending someone, you can either hide his or her posts or unsubscribe from updates without actually un-friending them. That said, Facebook does not notify your friend when you un-friend him or her, so I say go ahead and do it!

By the way, you can join the A Gay and a Gal Facebook Group and be guaranteed a drama-free experience!

Vintage Gay and a Gal

This is a Facebook post from February, when I left Kevin a message in a panic.  I was going on a cruise and there were soooo many things to obsess about.  He really is a font of reassuring info!  Read on...



Kevin:  I got your message, lets go through your list.
Me:  Ok.  What if I get seasick? Do you bring dramamine?
Kevin:  Absolutely or buy those seabands.

It could happen!!

Me:  What if our cruise ship gets one of those ecoli viruses?
Kevin:  First of all, its not ecoli, its norovirus and if you do, you do and there's nothing to be done about it.  Just wash your hands alot and use the hand sanitizer they have everywhere.
Me:  What if we are attacked by pirates?
Kevin:  You aren't cruising to Somalia.  There are no pirates in the Carribean.
Me:  What?!  Of course there are, wasn't that the name of a movie??  Pirates of the Carribean?
Kevin:  Well, unless you are traveling through time to when there were actually pirates in the Carribean, there will be nothing to worry about.
Me:  What if we come in contact with some sort of crazy drug cartel people while in Cozumel (literally every person I tell we are going to Mexico, says this)?
Kevin:  You are going to be fine--just only do stuff set up through the cruise ship or your travel agency.  Plus there really aren't those types of problems in Cozumel.
Me:  What if our cab driver kidnaps us, slits our throats and steals our money?!?!
Kevin:  That's not going to happen.  All the cab drivers there are legit.
Me:  What if a staff person breaks into our room and steals our money and my jewels?
Kevin: Or your Ming Vase.
Me:  Or my Fabgerge Egg!
Kevin:  There are safes in the room.
 Me:  What if there is a storm at sea? Remember the movie The Poseidon Adventure?
Kevin:  You mean the one where the cruise ship flips upside down and everyone dies?  Yes....
Me: WELL?!?!
Kevin:  First of all, the water isn't deep enough to create that kind of  wave.
Me:  See, this is why I love you!  You address my neurosis with solid facts!
Kevin:  Second of all, if there is a storm, you'll just get through it.  That happened to us once and we were all queasy but it was fine.
Me:  What if I need a doctor?
Kevin:  There are doctors.  Just like on The Love Boat.
Me:  So If I break my leg?
Kevin:  Yes you are fine unless you need something major done.
Me:  What if I need a lung transplant?
Kevin:  I don't think they are going to be able to do that.
Me:  What if the electricity goes out--that happened!!
Kevin:  Well two things...first of all, you'll definitely get to go on another cruise for free.  Also, they will still keep serving alcohol, so my advice is to just keep drinking to get through it.  In fact, that's my advice about everything--keep drinking.  Storm, pirates, power failure, whatever, just keep drinking!
Me:  That's good advice...What if I fall overboard trying to do like Kate Winslet did in Titanic? Seriously...I am always hearing about people falling overboard...I mean, aren't there railings and stuff?
Kevin:  You aren't going to fall overboard.  The only possible place to fall overboard is off your balcony and you don't have one of those.
Me:  But that happens alot!  You hear about these people on their honeymooners and one of them gets drunk and falls overboard.
Kevin:  Honeymooners always have balconies.  Plus if you did fall off, there is something there to catch you.
 Me:  Ok.....Well, I've already worked through my fear of the ship being sucked down by a giant squid, like The Cracken, through internet research, so I'm good on that one.
Kevin:  Well, that's a relief.  I have to get back to my conference now.
Beth:  Ok, thanks!  I appreciate you indulging me.
Kevin:  Any time.

It's not about football, folks...

Like all of you, a Gay and a Gal have listened with horror and shock as the details of the abuse of young boys at the hands of the Penn State football coach have been revealed. At times like this, it's easy to focus on anger, in large part because you feel so helpless in the face of such an atrocity. 

A couple suggestions:

As a former social worker and now a high school teacher, I have several times been in situations where abuse has been suspected and have had to make a call to protect a child.  I am what's called a "mandatory reporter", meaning by law, if I suspect it, I have to call about it.  However, I urge anyone who sees anything that does not seem right to make a call to the appropriate authorities.  In these cases, better safe than sorry. 

Each county and state has their own child abuse hotline you can call, or you can just call Childhelp's National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.   The Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with professional crisis counselors who, through interpreters, can provide assistance in 170 languages. The Hotline offers crisis intervention, information, literature, and referrals to thousands of emergency, social service, and support resources. All calls are anonymous and confidential. 

We also suggest making a donation to one of the many organizations dedicated to helping victims of abuse, such as RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network).

What do I do if I accidentally burp or fart in a completely inappropriate place like in front of my boss, in church, or at a luncheon?

Beth:  True story--one time I was at a party and we all had a couple drinks.  All the sudden this woman rips a huge fart.  I mean, there was no passing it off as squeaky shoes or floorboards--it sounded like that stereotypical flatulent sound kids make when they put their palms up against their mouths and blow.   There was sort of a shocked silence and the woman totally did not react at all.  Like it never happened.  Not so much as a quiver in her countenance.  I say, good move!  Because as long as you don't acknowledge it, no one 100% knows for sure it was you. 

Kevin:  If it can’t be confidently pinned on you, carry on as if nothing happened. If it can be pinned confidently on you, you say, “Pardon me,” and then carry on.

A Gay and a Gal Lightning Round!

Which is scariest?  Wolfman, Vampire or Zombie?

Kevin:  Sarah Palin, I mean, Zombie.
Beth:  Wolfman, by far.  I don't like the idea that someone could appear perfectly normal by day and then on a full moon, eat my face off.








What is the worst band of all time?

Kevin:  Insane Clown Posse.

Beth:  New Kids on the Block would be my first choice, except they don't count as a band since they don't play instruments.  Second choice?  Paul McCartney and Wings.  UGH. With such deep, evocative lyrics as "Someone's knockin' at the door, somebody's ringin' the bell, do me a favor, open the door and let them in," I just want to weep with shame for this low point in American Rock 'n Roll.

Daylight Savings Time--yes or no?

Beth:  Hell, no.  I say we get rid of this mind-fuck of a tradition once and for all!
Kevin:  I HATE having to change the clocks twice a year. Two full weeks each year spent trying to adjust to the new time is brutal. It messes with your circadian rhythm, and is just plain painful. Get rid of it!




Best board game of all time?

Beth:    The Game of Life, closely followed by Stratego
Kevin:  I don't particularly like games of any type (ask my husband who loves all sorts of games, especially cards). There's a special place in my heart, though, for the original Trivial Pursuit, which I played with my friends thousands of times during high school. Fond memories!  


Favorite Sitcom as a child?

Beth:  70's?  Welcome Back Kotter--I even had a WBK lunch box with the special edition Horshack thermos.  80's? Bosom Buddies.  Life changing would be an understatement.
Kevin:  I don't know what it means about me, a gangly white kid from rural South Carolina, that my favorite sit coms from childhood were "Good Times" and "What's Happenin'" --- each about a gangly black kid from the city. Go figure.