What do you do if your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend from a couple years ago is still sending him texts every few weeks despite him asking her to leave him alone?

Beth says:  I am notoriously friendly with most of my ex-boyfriends.  My Facebook friends include grade school and college boyfriends, as well as the guy I dated before I met my husband.  The reasons both my husband and I are comfortable with this are as follows:

1. We are secure in our relationship.
2. There is no unfinished business with the previous relationships.
3. There are boundaries and those friendships are nowhere even remotely close to crossing them. 
4. My ex-boyfriends are fun, stable, normal people who I enjoy maintaining contact with. We've developed friendships that have eclipsed the initial dating relationship.

I would also like to mention that with the exception of one, these are all people I dated more than twenty years ago.  If they were going to go nuts on me, it would've happened long before now.

The issue that concerns me in your question is that this person is continuing to contact your current partner despite his requests that she stop.  Unfortunately, you can't really do anything except vocalize to your partner how much this bothers you.  He really has to handle it.  There are few people really crazy enough to continue contacting someone who truly doesn't want to be contacted.  So, my advice to him is that if he truly feels he has made his feelings clear about contact, then to just ignore her until she gives up.  Don't be shrewish about it--he is with you now, after all.  Until then, just bite the bullet and don't let it get to you.

Of course, if the contact continues or becomes threatening in any way, he should speak to local law enforcement about a cease contact order, after keeping a careful record of the contact. 

Kevin says:  I'm sure this must be very irritating. First, I'd be curious what the content of these texts is. I'd make allowances for the difference between,"Hey, you've got some mail at my house. Let me know if you want me to forward it to you" and "I heard 'our' song on the radio today and it made me think of you." One can be dealt with easily enough; the other is more troubling. If the texts are more on the ministerial side, you may wish to try and take a breath and look the other way. If the messages are more "I miss you, Schmoopie," you have every right to let your boyfriend know --- calmly and logically --- how you're feeling. Acknowledge your jealousy (or whatever else you're feeling), even if you worry that it casts you in a bad light. You are, after all, entitled to your feelings --- though you're not necessarily entitled to "act" on your feelings.

Also, understand that this girl was once important to your boyfriend. Being able to maintain a positive, proper relationship with an ex is a good thing and can speak to your boyfriend's character.

It also sounds like your boyfriend is giving this girl mixed messages. I call it the "Come hither, go away" phenomenon. Simply responding to a text to say, "Go away" really can be interpreted, "Come hither." After telling this girl to cease contact, he really should not reply again. Rather, if he wants no further contact with her, he should block her number and be done.

Since you're the one writing in to ask the question and not him, I'd also acknowledge that he may enjoy not only the attention that he's getting from the ex but also the jealousy that it's creating in you. Only you can determine if this is the case.

Our New Year's Revolution!

Beth's List: 

Well, here we go....This is the time of year where you make all kind of promises to yourself, with the unspoken thought that you probably will break them, followed by intense self loathing.

This Gal would like to suggest that you instead, make a list of the things that you did right in 2011 with the promise that you will continue to keep up the good work in 2012.  It's so much more fun!

1.  No question, the best thing I did in 2011 was to find an exercise program that I enjoyed and stick with it. After many promises ("I will go to the gym once summer starts!", "I'm going to start walking/running/do the P90X videos!"), I finally decided to follow through.  My motivation came not so much out of vanity, but due to crippling back pain and general aches that have come with being over 40 and a job the requires me to stand all the time.  My sister turned me on to the Zumba home videos and I now get up at 5:00 a.m. five days a week to meringue my way to fitness.  It's rough, but I have discovered that getting up at 5 a.m. sucks no more than getting up at 5:45 and I feel much better all day.

2.  I am really enjoying my job.  After feeling like I'd been hazed my first year of teaching, I really hit  my stride this year.  Most days, I am excited to go to work.

3.  I have a great relationship with my ex. I am very proud that despite a huge learning curve, my ex and I are true partners in parenting our children.  This isn't always possible and I am so happy that we've been able to rise above our differences to have the best interest of our kids prioritized.

4.  I am good to myself. This year I really made an effort to do things that made me happy.  I made time for friends, travel, relaxing and visits to my favorite spa. 

5.  I am reading more.  I know that it may seem hard to believe that an English teacher might not read much, but it is sadly true.  Last year, I read, or re-read, everything I needed to teach (Of Mice and Men, Beowulf, A Raisin in the Sun, and a mind-numbing list of other works of American and British lit).  By summer, I was ready to read for pleasure.  My sister (that's two mentions in one column, Susie!) got me a Kindle for my birthday and I love the convenience it offers.  I've read everything from Rob Lowe's autobiography to House of Holes (wow...just wow...is all I can say) to re-reading my childhood favorite Petals on the Wind.  Yep, my taste is trashy and indulgent and I'm proud!

Kevin’s rules for 2012:
Set and write down your yearly goals now. I work with a business coach and as part of my ongoing assignments, she asks me regularly to write out my goals (short- and long-term). It’s a much more difficult exercise than you might think. But here is what I’ve learned from the exercise: Don’t go crazy. Seriously, three to five goals is perfect. They should be specific, measurable, and realistic. And they should have meaning and context for you. They should be more than, “It would be nice if…” Understand and internalize the reason why you want to achieve a certain goal. You should easily be able to visualize what it will look like when you’ve achieved these goals. For instance, one of my goals for 2012 is to refresh my proficiency in French. I studied French all through high school and college --- but have lost almost all of it in the intervening years. So, my goal is to be able to watch and understand a movie in French by November of 2012 (simple, measurable, and easy to visualize).

Be willing to say yes to new opportunities. This was one of my rules for 2011, and I’m going to continue it into 2012. Mostly, this has to do with being open to new things in general. It’s impossible to know where new opportunities are coming from and what they’ll look like. So, having the mindset of “yes” when presented with a new opportunity can lead to the unexpected. And you can always reverse course if you need to. For instance, I have single female friends who say they’ll go on a first date with anyone who asks (well, so long as they’re not stalkerish!) --- even if that means they may go out with someone they might otherwise overlook. You just never know what might happen!

Be willing to say no to new commitments. Especially if a new commitment does not support your primary yearly goals. It’s so easy to get guilted into new commitments --- chairing a committee, hosting a fundraiser, chaperoning a field trip. Learning to say, “I’m so sorry, but my calendar is full right now,” (with a smile!) can be surprisingly revelatory. 

Support local businesses. When you purchase from locally owned businesses --- rather than nationally owned --- more money is kept in your community; locally owned businesses often purchase from other local businesses, service providers, and farms. In turn, this requires less transportation and less stress on the environment. Further, local development contributes less to sprawl, congestion, habitat loss, and pollution. Additionally, small local businesses are the largest employers nationally. Local businesses often hire people with more specific product expertise and personal investment, which leads to better customer service.

Buy American. When you buy a product, you don’t just consume, you're also supporting values. If I asked you to entertain the thought of supporting poor wages, child labor, poor working conditions, contaminated products, environmental pollution, waste of natural resources, and an ever-increasing mountain of trash that will take hundreds of years to decompose, how would you feel? Most people are disgusted by these ideas --- but then they don't think twice about blindly purchasing foreign products that contribute to some or all of those things, simply because they're cheap. If you don’t want to contribute to those issues, you have to change the way you shop and consume. Buy products produced locally, support companies that make an effort to become sustainable, and where possible, choose American-manufactured products over those manufactured abroad.

Cook from scratch as often as possible. There are many benefits to cooking from scratch. First, you know exactly what goes into the food that you are eating. No more excess salt, fat, and carbs --- unless you want them, of course! Second, you save money. Processed foods are not only often unhealthy, but they are often much more expensive than making them yourself. Cooking from scratch is a fantastic way to save money on groceries. And third, homemade food simply tastes better. But how to get started if you're reliant on processed and prepared foods? I'd recommend getting a copy of Mark Bittman's "How to Cook Everything" cookbook. Mr. Bittman's straightforward instructions and advice will help you make delicious meals using fresh, natural ingredients; simple techniques; and basic equipment.

Incorporate exercise into daily activities. We’ve all heard this advice before and it seems so easy. Unfortunately, it’s harder than you might think. I try to get to yoga a couple of times a week, and I’ve just received the Zumba fitness DVD set (as recommended by Beth), but some weeks --- despite your best effort --- an organized fitness class or time spent in front of the DVD player is just not in the cards. When all else fails, walking is your best friend. I think about Parisians, who subsist on a diet of wine, cigarettes, Laduree macarons, and pains au chocolat --- and yet who are rail thin. They stay thin by walking EVERYWHERE. You can do the same. Here are a few additional ideas: Start taking the furthest away parking spot and get in a few extra steps between your car and your destination; get off the bus or subway one or two stops before your normal stop and walk the rest of the way; choose the stairs over the elevator; go dancing; practice perfect posture.

Say thanks and mean it. Gratitude is meant to be practiced regularly. I have a wonderful friend who regularly posts her daily gratitude lists to Facebook (Hey, Special K!). Those gratitude lists are a reminder that constantly finding things to be grateful for is a valuable exercise. Gratitude is a muscle that you need to flex and strengthen, so that in times of great stress, you can more easily keep things in proper perspective.

I have a friend who is perpetually late. Every time we meet, I am sitting waiting in a restaurant for at least half an hour. What can I say to her?

Beth says:  How close are you to this person?  The reason I ask is because twice in my life I have taken a stand against tardy friends and I have regretted it both times.  I'd rather have them in my life and wait, than risk hurting the friendship. People have all kinds of reasons for being chronically late and it really has nothing to do with you.  You can try to work around it by automatically showing up 30 minutes later than the appointed time or you can ask them to call when you when they are on their way.  For me, the bottom line is that true friendship is precious and that you should offer people the same grace/slack you would ask from them when you inevitably screw up or show your faults.  If this is not a close friend, then I would just stop making plans with them.

Kevin says:  To someone who is chronically punctual, like myself, the chronically late make my blood boil. The answer to the following question would determine how I responded: Does this person arrive on time for events that are important to her (picking up the kids from school, getting to work or a doctor’s appointment)? If your friend is late for EVERYTHING, not just engagements with you, you tell her calmly how it makes you feel when she’s late --- “Sheila, I love hanging out with you, but when you’re late, it makes me feel like you don’t value our time together.” ---and then you drop it. In the future, you simply limit your exposure to her lack of punctuality (don’t make plans to see a movie together, for instance).

If, however, your friend is only late when she has plans with you, here’s a clever (but perhaps a tad harsh) approach for when you’ve arrived at your last (gay) nerve:

·         Be on time to your meeting and turn off your cell phone (or put it in airplane mode) as soon as you arrive.

·         Set a timer for 15 minutes, order a drink, and relax.

·         If your friend doesn't show up after 15 minutes or by the time you’ve finished your drink, turn your phone back on, and leave.

When your notoriously late friend arrives and can’t find you, she’ll call you to blame you for being late. Be strong and explain in calm voice that you were there on time, you waited for her while having a drink, and left when you determined that she wasn’t coming. She may be hurt, and even mad, but you can explain that you respected her enough to be on time to your meeting and that you expect the same. If she is still upset, you may have to accept that your friendship has run its course.

K 

I have a wonderful friend with an awful husband. My husband can't stand him either. She is constantly trying to get us to go out on a "couples date,” but after the last time, my husband and I both swore never again. Constantly making excuses isn't working!

Beth says:  This happens quite a bit.  It is difficult to find a combination of four different personalities that is going to work. The tricky thing is that while you and your husband can't stand him, clearly your friend thinks he's awesome! I tend to walk the Path of the Passive, so I would encourage you to just continue on with the excuses.  Make sure to spend time with your friend on your own, but life is hectic, especially if you have kids and it should be easy enough to just keep the excuses coming until she gives up.  Another idea?   Early in my first marriage, I had a dear friend who was married to one of the most obnoxious people I have ever known.  He was diametrically opposed to everything we believed in, politically, socially, religiously, philosophically, and academically.  After many uncomfortable evenings of biting our tongues, we decided we would only go to movies with them!  That way, there was no talking!

Kevin says:  Friendships have to develop organically --- just like yours with your ill-wedded friend. You can’t force two different people to be friends, just because their spouses are. If your friend’s husband is as awful as you say (I wish I knew a little more about what makes him so difficult to be around), he may have no other friends and his wife is trying paw him off to your husband. In which case, a little compassion may be in order. If the compassion horse has left the barn, however (as it seems it has), you really only have one option, the truth (or a version of it) --- but this will only work if you can be reasonably sure that your husband won’t have to socialize with Mr. Awful in the future. Say to your friend, “Fiona, I really enjoy the time we get to hang out. I wish Don and Roger got along as well. Unfortunately, my Don just doesn’t do well with new people.” Then, drop it. When Fiona calls to schedule the next couples date, explain that “Unfortunately, Don has plans that night, but I’d love to see you guys.” Eventually, when “Don has plans” enough times, Fiona will stop inquiring. If Fiona ever pressures you for more of an explanation, the whole truth, delivered with as much compassion as you see fit, is the only option left.

Our office shares a kitchen. Often food "disappears" despite being labeled, despite little notes that say something to the effect of "If you didn't bring it, don't eat it." I know who the culprit is --- how should I phrase my confrontation?

Kevin says:  Short answer, you don’t. Bring the situation to your manager (or HR director), privately outline your suspicions, and let him or her handle it. That’s what they get paid to do. If you feel that this is a problem that doesn’t rise to the level of managerial intervention, you’ll need to arrange for other food-storage solutions. The fallout from such a confrontation is not worth the feeling of one-upmanship you’ll get in the moment --- and could professionally backfire in your face. I once worked in an office where food disappeared from the communal fridge, from people’s private, labeled lunches, etc. The culprit, it turns out, was a food addict with multiple health and mental problems. Someone who routinely steals food probably has other problems that you don’t know about and aren’t equipped to handle (psychological, emotional, financial). My advice: leave it to the professionals.

Beth says:  This has happened to me everywhere--in my own home, in my dorm, and in every office I have ever worked in.  I'm a teacher, so I would have no option about taking it to a higher level.  My department chair and principal certainly don't have the time or inclination to deal with it and H.R. is in a totally different building!  Therefore, if taking it to the higher ups is isn't an option, here are a couple other ideas:

• Buy a small fridge for your office/desk area.  Many times, they have a key lock.  
• Don't have that kind of money?  Buy a nice lunchbox with an icepack that will keep things cool until you are ready to eat them. 
• Want to be more aggressive?  I can't think of a single way to do this without creating a work atmosphere that is infinitely worse than having your Diet Coke stolen.

Any advice for work holiday party do's and don'ts?

Kevin says: 

“Sweet fancy Moses!”

This question makes me think of that episode of “Seinfeld” where Elaine Benes hosts the J. Peterman holiday party. No one at her office ever forgot her dance performance from that evening. And that’s what you should consider when deciding how to comport yourself at your office holiday party --- embarrass yourself at your professional peril.

Do

• Conduct yourself professionally at all times. Act as though your behavior is being observed every minute (because it probably is).
• Remember that moderation is paramount. Keep an eye on your food and alcohol intake. (You can always eat and drink more after the party.)
• Keep one hand free during the night so that you can shake hands when necessary. (Keep your drink in your left hand, so you are not offering people a cold, wet handshake all evening.) Better yet, learn the “carry your wineglass on your plate” trick --- useful in many social situations!
• Take the time to network with people at the party who can influence your career or who you may not see regularly, such as top management, people from other departments, and employees from other locations. Also, do remember that some of those people who can influence your career may be on professional rungs LOWER than yours --- secretaries, administrative assistants, executive assistants, admins in human resources. You never know who can assist you down the road!

 Don't

• Don't pass up the invitation to an office party; not attending could hurt your reputation. Even if you can’t stay the whole time because of a previous commitment (or you simply don’t want to be there!), spend at least 30 minutes at the party, networking and wishing everyone a happy holiday.
• Don't assume everyone celebrates the same holiday, so don't go overboard with the “Merry Christmas.”
• Don't spend all evening talking business.
• Don't drink and drive

Beth says:  I have very little to add except this little pearl o' wisdom!  Inevitably there will be someone at a holiday party whose name you don't know.  My husband and I have a code where if I simply say, "This is my husband!" he then reaches out a hand and says his name so that the person then naturally says their own.  


We also have codes for "Please rescue me!", "Let's get out of here!" and "This is that person I told you about that I hate!"