When invited to a holiday party, should I always bring a host/ess gift?

Beth says:  I always ask, "What can I bring?"  Sometimes the hostess appreciates your bringing something more than a small token gift.  I almost always end up bringing something to eat or wine.  I rarely go to anything fancy or formal though, here in Suburbia!

Kevin says:  According to the Emily Post Institute, a host/ess gift is not necessary when invited to a cocktail party, but is if you’re invited to a dinner party (keep it simple and under $25); for a casual get together, say, brunch, a host/ess gift is optional.

I'm going to be spending Thanksgiving with my inlaws--and it will not be comfortable. I would like to achieve just the right amount of drunkdom to get through this experience. Any suggestions on a beverage of choice?

Beth says:  Let's start with what you should not drink.  I don't think wine is going to have the desired effect.  Wine is more of a "I'm in a relaxing atmosphere and I want to chill" drink.  Rum is for more festive, happy occasions, so that's just going to depress you further.  Tequila, also not a good idea for obvious reasons.  There is no reason to be drinking tequila unless you are in a situation where it's appropriate to be obnoxiously drunk and naked. That leaves bourbon or whiskey--both fine choices, but this Gal doesn't really drink the dark stuff.  Gin and tonic would be a safe choice.  However, last weekend (after I stood in the cold for an hour at 12:30 a.m. trying to get a cab and a Gay kindly picked me up) we stayed up until well after 2:00 a.m. drinking a festive little drink, which I will call The Dave Grohl, that might suit your purposes.  The Dave Grohl is a generous serving of vodka over ice, with cranberry juice and a splash of Fresca.  This is suitably festive to keep your spirits up, while having enough vodka in it to get you nice and numb/hammered.  You're welcome.

Kevin says:  The holidays are stressful. There's no getting around it. You don't ever seem to have enough time or money for the last two months of the year. That alone is enough to send your cortisol levels soaring, but combine that with spending time with other stressed humans and you've got a volatile combination.

I am personally a great fan of the medicinal properties of alcohol, but my advice on this count is actually to lay off the sauce as much as possible over the long holiday weekend, for a number of reasons. First, alcohol lowers our inhibitions, which can be a good thing --- but it can also loosen your tongue. Words said in a tipsy moment have a way of haunting us. What seems like a clever retort in the moment can easily be misconstrued. Second, dealing with a stressful holiday visit by medicating with alcohol is a very slippery slope. Even the most experienced drinkers can find it hard to manage their alcohol intake so that they're mellow but not drunk. It's going to be virtually impossible for someone who's less experienced at guaging their body's tolerance. And third, if you've had a few glasses of wine or cocktails, you'll be in no position to "pop out to the store for some cranberry sauce," when your mother-in-law asks you for the fifth time how you and her son are doing "in the bedroom" or when homophobic Aunt Mathilde demands to know why you're not married yet.

So, here are a few suggestions with dealing with the stress of uncomfortable holiday family gatherings:

Eat, drink, and be merry — within reason. The holidays are meant for celebration, so celebrate --- but have a plan in mind. Graze on protein (turkey, cheese, nuts) between meals to keep your insulin and hunger levels in check. Drink lots of water. Save the alcohol for mealtimes.

Exercise. When the stress seems overwhelming, take an exercise break. Just 30 minutes a day — a brisk walk, a run on the treadmill, or strength training — gives you a powerful tool to fend off stress. Exercise not only helps you manage weight and is good for your body, but it can help you de-stress and clear your mind.

Take time for yourself. Taking care of yourself helps you to take better care of others in your life. Go for a long walk or take time out to read or listen to your favorite music.

Understand that you can only control your behavior and no one elses. If you know your mother is going to comment endlessly on your weight or how you're raising your kids or how much your husband is drinking, keep a mental "snark bank." Every time your mom makes a snarky remark, don't engage. Simply smile, add $5 (or $1 or 25 cents) to your mental snark bank, and plan on how you'll reward yourself with that money later. A pedicure, a pumpkin spice latte, a ticket to see the new Twilight movie by yourself. Make it a game. Altering the way you relate might just change the dynamic between you and your mother!

Is there any etiquette for unfriending someone on Facebook? and What do you do if you unfriend someone and they become irate?

Beth says:  When I first got on Facebook, I was all about how many friends I could have.  Then I realized that just like in the "real world", quantity is not necessarily better than quality.  I have "thinned out" my friends list many times.  On occasion, I have had someone "re-friend" me and depending on why I dropped them in the first place (did they spew hateful rhetoric or were they just kind of boring?), I might add them back in.  Now on two occasions, I have received emails demanding to know why they had been unfriended.  In both cases, I ignored it.  Lucky for me, both were people I never see.  However, if this is someone you see and it's going to be awkward, you can go with one of two approaches.  The first is the white lie "Oh, I'm sorry, Carrie, I was just trimming down my list and I must have accidentally omitted you."  Or something along the lines of "Because of my job/some other conflict of interest, I decided to just have close friends and family as my FB friends."  The other is to be honest, "Well, Charlotte, to be honest, I was offended by some of your political comments." Facebook can cause some high drama--try to steer clear of it in whatever way works best for you!

Kevin says:  Recent changes to the architecture of the Facebook site have made this wicket a little less sticky. If you worry about  un-friending someone, you can either hide his or her posts or unsubscribe from updates without actually un-friending them. That said, Facebook does not notify your friend when you un-friend him or her, so I say go ahead and do it!

By the way, you can join the A Gay and a Gal Facebook Group and be guaranteed a drama-free experience!

Vintage Gay and a Gal

This is a Facebook post from February, when I left Kevin a message in a panic.  I was going on a cruise and there were soooo many things to obsess about.  He really is a font of reassuring info!  Read on...



Kevin:  I got your message, lets go through your list.
Me:  Ok.  What if I get seasick? Do you bring dramamine?
Kevin:  Absolutely or buy those seabands.

It could happen!!

Me:  What if our cruise ship gets one of those ecoli viruses?
Kevin:  First of all, its not ecoli, its norovirus and if you do, you do and there's nothing to be done about it.  Just wash your hands alot and use the hand sanitizer they have everywhere.
Me:  What if we are attacked by pirates?
Kevin:  You aren't cruising to Somalia.  There are no pirates in the Carribean.
Me:  What?!  Of course there are, wasn't that the name of a movie??  Pirates of the Carribean?
Kevin:  Well, unless you are traveling through time to when there were actually pirates in the Carribean, there will be nothing to worry about.
Me:  What if we come in contact with some sort of crazy drug cartel people while in Cozumel (literally every person I tell we are going to Mexico, says this)?
Kevin:  You are going to be fine--just only do stuff set up through the cruise ship or your travel agency.  Plus there really aren't those types of problems in Cozumel.
Me:  What if our cab driver kidnaps us, slits our throats and steals our money?!?!
Kevin:  That's not going to happen.  All the cab drivers there are legit.
Me:  What if a staff person breaks into our room and steals our money and my jewels?
Kevin: Or your Ming Vase.
Me:  Or my Fabgerge Egg!
Kevin:  There are safes in the room.
 Me:  What if there is a storm at sea? Remember the movie The Poseidon Adventure?
Kevin:  You mean the one where the cruise ship flips upside down and everyone dies?  Yes....
Me: WELL?!?!
Kevin:  First of all, the water isn't deep enough to create that kind of  wave.
Me:  See, this is why I love you!  You address my neurosis with solid facts!
Kevin:  Second of all, if there is a storm, you'll just get through it.  That happened to us once and we were all queasy but it was fine.
Me:  What if I need a doctor?
Kevin:  There are doctors.  Just like on The Love Boat.
Me:  So If I break my leg?
Kevin:  Yes you are fine unless you need something major done.
Me:  What if I need a lung transplant?
Kevin:  I don't think they are going to be able to do that.
Me:  What if the electricity goes out--that happened!!
Kevin:  Well two things...first of all, you'll definitely get to go on another cruise for free.  Also, they will still keep serving alcohol, so my advice is to just keep drinking to get through it.  In fact, that's my advice about everything--keep drinking.  Storm, pirates, power failure, whatever, just keep drinking!
Me:  That's good advice...What if I fall overboard trying to do like Kate Winslet did in Titanic? Seriously...I am always hearing about people falling overboard...I mean, aren't there railings and stuff?
Kevin:  You aren't going to fall overboard.  The only possible place to fall overboard is off your balcony and you don't have one of those.
Me:  But that happens alot!  You hear about these people on their honeymooners and one of them gets drunk and falls overboard.
Kevin:  Honeymooners always have balconies.  Plus if you did fall off, there is something there to catch you.
 Me:  Ok.....Well, I've already worked through my fear of the ship being sucked down by a giant squid, like The Cracken, through internet research, so I'm good on that one.
Kevin:  Well, that's a relief.  I have to get back to my conference now.
Beth:  Ok, thanks!  I appreciate you indulging me.
Kevin:  Any time.

It's not about football, folks...

Like all of you, a Gay and a Gal have listened with horror and shock as the details of the abuse of young boys at the hands of the Penn State football coach have been revealed. At times like this, it's easy to focus on anger, in large part because you feel so helpless in the face of such an atrocity. 

A couple suggestions:

As a former social worker and now a high school teacher, I have several times been in situations where abuse has been suspected and have had to make a call to protect a child.  I am what's called a "mandatory reporter", meaning by law, if I suspect it, I have to call about it.  However, I urge anyone who sees anything that does not seem right to make a call to the appropriate authorities.  In these cases, better safe than sorry. 

Each county and state has their own child abuse hotline you can call, or you can just call Childhelp's National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.   The Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with professional crisis counselors who, through interpreters, can provide assistance in 170 languages. The Hotline offers crisis intervention, information, literature, and referrals to thousands of emergency, social service, and support resources. All calls are anonymous and confidential. 

We also suggest making a donation to one of the many organizations dedicated to helping victims of abuse, such as RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network).

What do I do if I accidentally burp or fart in a completely inappropriate place like in front of my boss, in church, or at a luncheon?

Beth:  True story--one time I was at a party and we all had a couple drinks.  All the sudden this woman rips a huge fart.  I mean, there was no passing it off as squeaky shoes or floorboards--it sounded like that stereotypical flatulent sound kids make when they put their palms up against their mouths and blow.   There was sort of a shocked silence and the woman totally did not react at all.  Like it never happened.  Not so much as a quiver in her countenance.  I say, good move!  Because as long as you don't acknowledge it, no one 100% knows for sure it was you. 

Kevin:  If it can’t be confidently pinned on you, carry on as if nothing happened. If it can be pinned confidently on you, you say, “Pardon me,” and then carry on.

A Gay and a Gal Lightning Round!

Which is scariest?  Wolfman, Vampire or Zombie?

Kevin:  Sarah Palin, I mean, Zombie.
Beth:  Wolfman, by far.  I don't like the idea that someone could appear perfectly normal by day and then on a full moon, eat my face off.








What is the worst band of all time?

Kevin:  Insane Clown Posse.

Beth:  New Kids on the Block would be my first choice, except they don't count as a band since they don't play instruments.  Second choice?  Paul McCartney and Wings.  UGH. With such deep, evocative lyrics as "Someone's knockin' at the door, somebody's ringin' the bell, do me a favor, open the door and let them in," I just want to weep with shame for this low point in American Rock 'n Roll.

Daylight Savings Time--yes or no?

Beth:  Hell, no.  I say we get rid of this mind-fuck of a tradition once and for all!
Kevin:  I HATE having to change the clocks twice a year. Two full weeks each year spent trying to adjust to the new time is brutal. It messes with your circadian rhythm, and is just plain painful. Get rid of it!




Best board game of all time?

Beth:    The Game of Life, closely followed by Stratego
Kevin:  I don't particularly like games of any type (ask my husband who loves all sorts of games, especially cards). There's a special place in my heart, though, for the original Trivial Pursuit, which I played with my friends thousands of times during high school. Fond memories!  


Favorite Sitcom as a child?

Beth:  70's?  Welcome Back Kotter--I even had a WBK lunch box with the special edition Horshack thermos.  80's? Bosom Buddies.  Life changing would be an understatement.
Kevin:  I don't know what it means about me, a gangly white kid from rural South Carolina, that my favorite sit coms from childhood were "Good Times" and "What's Happenin'" --- each about a gangly black kid from the city. Go figure.


 

Happy Birthday to A Gay from A Gal!

A Gay and a Gal, 1989

I think it was March of 1988 when I met Kevin.  Over the next two years, Kevin was responsible for more fun times than a gal should have, typically while sitting around doing absolutely nothing. He also introduced me to streaking and for that, I am so grateful!  In May 1990, I got my diploma and hugged Kev good-bye.  He was headed to Puerto Rico to teach in a private school and I was returning to Virginia Beach to look for a job and plan my wedding.  As he walked away, I remember thinking, "I bet I will never see that guy again!"  Then my friend whispered, "Oh my God!  He was crying!"  Hmmmm, was there more to this friendship than immature humor and nudity?

Oh boy, was there.

For the last twenty three years, Kevin and I have grown up together.  I can't think of one important milestone in my life that Kevin wasn't a part of.  He was there for both my weddings (and in both of them!), the births of my children, various moves, birthday celebrations, reunions, and holidays.  He has loved my children in a way that only a select few of my actual relatives have.

More telling though, were the low moments when he showed up without having to be asked.  After my dad died and I plunged into a grief unlike any I have ever experienced, he took me to New York where we went to see "Spamalot," followed by an evening in a gay piano bar in The Village.  When I was in the low days following my divorce, not only did Kevin stay on the phone with me for hours while I cried, he left work and showed up at my doorstep because he was so worried about me. Come to think of it, Kevin has loved ME in a way that only a select few of my actual relatives have.

Those moments were when I realized that even though Kevin should in no way be able to relate to my life, much less be able to have any insight into it, he gives fantastic advice.   It has been crazy fun sharing that with all of you.

Happy birthday, Kevin--you never looked better! 

We have a limited wedding budget and I want to invite some coworkers, but not all, and I absolutely do not want to invite my boss. How do I handle this?

Beth says:  Lordy, I hated that conversation!  "Well, if we invite this person, then we have to invite that person!"  My first go round, we invited everyone, including my parents' friends that I didn't even know.  The second time, I wanted it to be much more intimate, with only my family and closest friends attending.  Further, we had a minimal budget.  This was challenging for a couple reasons--the first was that I have a large family and there were several that I didn't want to invite, but there is no way to get around that.  The second is that inevitably someone's feelings are going to be hurt, but it is what it is. While it would have been the P.C. thing to do to invite my boss, she wasn't a friend or family and so she didn't make the cut.  I just tried to emphasize constantly that this was a very small wedding and we could only invite a few people.   Just remember this day is about you and your partner--don't get bogged down worrying about other people's happiness to the point that it impacts your own!

Kevin says:  Not many people are in a position to invite everyone to their special events. Understand that you’re under no obligation to invite anyone you don’t want at your event  --- budget constraints or not. What you must not do, however, is make a show of publicly inviting work colleagues --- or even talking about your wedding in the workplace (seriously, you’re there to work, not plan extracurricular activities anyway). You do not distribute invitations at work, for instance. You send out invitations to the work colleagues you’re inviting in the mail, just like the invitations to everyone else.

Who is a bigger scumbag, Arnold Schwarzenegger or John Edwards?

"So what does your maid look like?"

Kevin says: I think it is inappropriate to judge public figures based solely on what gets reported in the news. So much is inaccurate, leaked for political or personal gain, or just plain lies. Further, you simply have no idea what kind of “arrangement” a couple has in their private affairs. That said, if everything that has been reported is true, I think John Edwards has proved himself to be the bigger asshat. He’s certainly lost more personally and politically than Schwarzenegger. Having a kid out of wedlock is one thing, but cheating on your cancer-ridden wife is another. Beyond that, Edwards squandered any chance he ever had of serving in high political office, and breathtakingly so.


Beth says:  This is a close one.  On the one hand, it takes a special kind of asshole to not just have an affair but to do so under the roof you share with your spouse with the hired help, have a baby with her and then act like business as usual for the next twelve years.   That said, John Edwards' affair took slimy to the next level because of his abuse of campaign funds, asking his best friend (who was married) to take the fall and oh, by the way, his wife was dying of cancer.  So, my pick is John Edwards but they are both tools of the highest order.

It's always difficult to be the best friend in these types of situations.  While Andrew Young ended up with a sweet book deal, he probably wishes he'd had A Gay and a Gal around to help him navigate that tricky situation (see next post). 

My best friend is having an affair. She claims this guy is the love of her life, but won't leave her husband because she has 2 small children. I'm trying not to judge, but the real issue is that she wants to use me as her "alibi" so she can get away to be with her lover. How can I say no without her thinking I am judging her?

Kevin says:  You obviously can’t or you wouldn’t be asking the question. And if she were really your best friend, she wouldn’t be putting you in this awkward position. Here’s what you say, “Carolyn, we’ve talked about this before, and you know how I feel about your relationship with Gary. I have to live my life in a way that I can be proud of. I simply can’t be your alibi so that you can sneak around on your husband. I also won’t lie for you. I say this so you can make an informed decision about how to structure your personal life.” Then, let her make the next move. She probably won’t be happy with you, but if you offend someone by doing the right thing, you’re better off without the friend-inflicted drama.
Beth says:   If you know a friend is cheating, you have to decide how you can live comfortably with that information.  You never know what's going to end up happening and if you truly don't want to come across as judgmental, you have to find a way to be supportive without becoming directly involved.  It is perfectly reasonable to say, "Look I am here for you if you want to talk about this, but I just can't in good conscience be your alibi." 

I am having a baby shower for a good friend. Her mother in law does not like cats--it's not that she's allergic, she just doesn't like them, and has asked me to lock them up while she is there. Do I really have to do that? Most likely they will be hiding the whole time anyway!

Beth says: I have way too many pets.  After I got married, our households combined to create a veritable "His, Mine and Ours" of the Animal Kingdom.  We now have 2 dogs, 4 cats and 3 crabs.  I know it's a lot and I know many people don't like animals.  If someone has an allergy, they are in trouble when they come to my house and I always give them a heads up and have Benadryl and Allertec on hand.  If they aren't comfortable around dogs, I will crate up my dogs.  My cats on the other hand are probably going to hide and if they come in, I will shoo them out.  That's about the best I can offer.  If someone just doesn't like cats, then they should weigh what they hate more, cats or the thought of missing a loved one's baby shower. 

Kevin says:  I’m sure I’ll offend lots of animal lovers with this response, but if you’re entertaining in your home, animals (and children for that matter --- don’t get me started) should be corralled elsewhere. I am highly allergic to nearly all animals, and as a result I try not to touch any furry creatures. As a result, cats in particular, are maddeningly drawn to me. Even having a cat rub up against my leg or a dog jump up to greet me can leave dander and oils from their fur that transfer easily to my clothes and hands and before I know it, my allergy symptoms are in full glory. “Oh, just push her away,” the doting cat owner will say. Problem is, just doing that is enough to prompt my suffering. Even if I weren’t allergic, though, I'm not keen on having animal hair all over my clothes (or dainty finger sandwiches, yuck).  Additionally, some folks simply are afraid of animals. Whether that fear is rational or not, your carefully orchestrated shower is not the time or the place to prove that your pets are nothing to fear. My advice is to do what you can to make your guests feel comfortable in your home, and if that means moving your animals to a spare bedroom for a few hours, it’s the right thing to do.

I have an acquaintance who is very competitive. She loves to talk about what a great mom she is, how brilliant her children are, how great she is at her job, how perfect her marriage is, etc. It's really annoying and unfortunately, I have to see her quite often. Any suggestions for getting her to shut up?

Beth says:  We all know them...the people who love to not only brag about their lives, but seem to be purposefully trying to make you feel bad about yours?  In my experience, people who feel the need to toot their own horn are often hopelessly insecure and full of crap.  Remember how Kathie Lee Gifford used to brag about how picture-perfect her marriage was until Frank banged a stewardess on hidden camera?  Yeah, that shut her up!  Bottom line, it takes two to have a conversation and you shouldn't give anyone the power to make you feel bad about yourself.  While it may tempting to try and come back at them, it's only going to add fuel to the fire.  Change the subject and then walk away, thinking "Oh, she's just so tragic!" and giggle to yourself.

Kevin says:  Seriously, the question isn’t how to get her to shut up; it’s why are you continuing to socialize with someone you obviously don’t particularly like? My advice is to wind down the friendship --- taking longer and longer to accept invitations to hang out, extending fewer and fewer invitations yourself, until the friendship slowly recedes. In the meantime, when faced with her ongoing soliloquies you simply have to smile politely and attempt to change the subject to something more neutral. If this is someone you see, say, while picking up your kids from school or while serving on a committee together, you steer the conversation back to neutral topics you have in common (the school calendar or committee activities).