I've been dating someone for over a year. This relationship means way more to her than it does to me. I've been very clear that this relationship has no future, and she claims to be fine with that. How can I get out of this relationship without looking like a dick?

Beth says: So basically, you have told this girl that she's okay to party and sleep with, but not to have a real relationship with, and she doesn't have enough self-respect to tell you to take a hike?  No matter what she says, it's a rare situation where a woman is truly cool with that.  You guys aren't just "friends with benefits" (which is tricky to pull off to begin with) and you aren't interested in taking it to the next level.  I am willing to bet money that she is hanging in there hoping for one of the following scenarios:

a.  You will see how cool and wonderful she is and change your mind.

b.  She thinks you are emotionally damaged and afraid and that she can be so cool and wonderful that she can "fix" you.

c.  Since she's really into you, she's hoping she can talk herself into being satisfied in a relationship that isn't what she wants (or frankly, deserves).

Props to you for being upfront, but I sense that the guilt is setting in and you are antsy to be done with it.  No one should stay in a relationship just out of guilt.  You need to break it off asap.  My husband says that "Anyone you have slept with less than 17 times can be dumped via phone call".  That is questionable, but based on how long you've been together (and I would assume, you've done it more than 17 times in that one year, or else why would you have hung in there this long?), you really should give her the courtesy of a face to face break up.

The issue is that she may turn into a Stage 5 Clinger, because she's held out hoping things would change.  You have to make her see that you are serious and this is done.  I would suggest a little white lie, something along the lines of "I've met someone else..." and then end all contact.  Don't be drawn into the old "Let's do it one more time for the road!" ploy! Don't answer any texts, emails or phone calls.  Don't be Facebook friends.  Anything along those lines will give false hope.  Rip off the band-aid and then move on!  You will be doing you both a favor!

Kevin says:  Some people will think you're a dick simply for having bluntly expressed the non-romantic sentiment that your current relationship has no chance of blossoming into something more. Often, those who express such notions --- that defy the rom-com ideal of true love --- are vilified for it. Or worse, those romantic partners who don't subscribe to the same idea may attempt to change your mind. Ugh.

So, first, kudos to you for your honesty, I say.

If you have done nothing to lead your girlfriend on (no talks of the future, no ring perusal at Jared's, no chats about next year's summer vacation), then you're ethically off the hook. But, you need to look very honestly at your past actions. Have your deeds belied your words? If they have, before you do anything else, you need to apologize for how your actions may have given your girlfriend a mixed message.

But, before I go further I have to ask, do you feel obligated to break up simply because she's more invested in the relationship than you are? Or, has the relationship run its natural course? If you're enjoying the current status of the relationship and you've been honest with your girlfriend, there's absolutely no need to break up at all. Keep doing what you're doing, honestly and transparently.

But, assuming your otherwise complete and transparent honesty --- and assuming that you DO feel like the relationship has run its course --- you simply sit down with your girlfriend, face to face, and explain that you feel that the relationship is over and that it's best if you stop seeing each other. Here's the gist: "Sara, I need to talk to you about a few things. I care about you very much, but this relationship is not working out for me, and I think we need to end things. I've thought about this a lot, and I've made up my mind. I don't want to hurt you, and I'll always be glad I got a chance to share this time with you, but it's over."

Then, you should be prepared to answer a few questions. Depending on the depth/length of your relationship, she may need some answers in order to get closure. It may help to practice some answers in your head beforehand ("Why? What did I / didn't I do? Is there something wrong with me? What if I did ______________? You asshole, you led me on!"). Respond honestly, but choose your words carefully, and never say anything purposefully hurtful. You'll inevitably lean into the time honored "it's-not-you-it's-me-dialog," and that's totally fine.

If she tries to talk you back into the relationship, hold your ground and reiterate what you said initially. There are reasons that you want out and you need to be true to yourself, it’s not fair to go back to dating someone that you have no feelings for anymore just because you feel guilty.

Here are some additional Dos and Don'ts. They won't guarantee that you won't be thought a dick, but they may help minimize the chance!

DO:

Think over what you want and why you want it. Take time to consider your feelings and the reasons for your decision. Be true to yourself. Even if the other person might be hurt by your decision, it's OK to do what's right for you. You just need to do it in a sensitive way.
Think about what you'll say and how the other person might react. Will your girlfriend be surprised? Sad? Mad? Hurt? Or even relieved? Thinking about the other person's point of view and feelings can help you be sensitive. It also helps you prepare. Do you think the person you're breaking up with might cry? Lose his or her temper? How will you deal with that kind of reaction?

Have good intentions. Let your girlfriend know she matters to you. Think about the qualities you want to show toward her — honesty, kindness, sensitivity, respect, caring.

Be honest — but not brutal. Tell your girlfriend the things that attracted you in the first place, and what you like about her. Then say why you want to move on. "Honesty" doesn't mean "harsh." Don't pick her apart as a way to explain what's not working. Think of ways to be kind and gentle while still being honest.

Say it in person. You've shared a lot with each other. Respect that (and show your good qualities) by breaking up in person. If you live far away, try to video chat or at least make a phone call. Breaking up through texting or Facebook may seem easy. But think about how you'd feel if someone you cared deeply about did that to you — and what your friends would say about that person's character!

If it helps, confide in someone you trust. It can help to talk through your feelings with a trusted friend. But be sure the person you confide in can keep it private until you have your actual break-up conversation with your girlfriend. Make sure your girlfriend hears it from you first — not from someone else.

DON'T:

Don't avoid the other person or the conversation you need to have. Dragging things out makes it harder in the long run — for you and your girlfriend. Plus, when people put things off, information can leak out anyway. You never want the person you're breaking up with to hear it from someone else before hearing it from you.

Don't rush into a difficult conversation without thinking it through. You may say things you regret.

Don't disrespect. Speak about your ex (or soon-to-be ex) with respect. Be careful not to gossip or badmouth her. Think about how you'd feel. You'd want your ex to say only positive things about you after you're no longer together. Plus, you never know — your ex could turn into a friend or you might even rekindle a romance someday when you're both at different points in your lives.

I have been married for 15 years. Over the course of my marriage my mother in law has been rude and aggressive with me many times and my husband never stands up for me. That's fine because I'm an adult. However, she has now started going after my children, including my 8 year old. Last week she yelled at him for no reason and made him cry. I was livid and asked my husband to talk to her. He never did and I suspect he never will. How can I handle this?

Kevin says:  Growing up in a household where his mom was aggressive and difficult has taught your husband that standing up to her is a lose-lose proposition. This explains, but does not excuse, your husband’s behavior. Your husband has --- and likely other members of his immediately family have --- been efficiently trained by your mother-in-law to do what she wants.

You don’t say in your question, but I will presume that you have talked to your husband about how your MIL’s behavior affects you. If you haven’t, now’s an excellent opportunity. You can say, “Look, honey, I understand why you’ve been reluctant to speak to your mom about how she treats me. I’m an adult, so I can fight my own battles --- no harm, no foul. That said, now that she’s got the kids in her sights, we’ve got to do something.” Then, you give your husband one last opportunity to handle the situation, either with you standing at his side or not.

If he chooses not to deal with this situation head on, it will be up to you. Tell your husband that the next time she gets out of line with one of your kids that you’re going to confront her --- nicely, but that you’re going to confront her nevertheless. Then, the next time she lays in to one of your kids, you pull her aside and say, “Paula, I know that what Sally was doing was annoying to you, but she’s our daughter and this is how we handle such behavior in our house.” Then, you go on and calmly explain how discipline works in your household (even if you’ve explained it a thousand times before). No matter what, stay calm and in control.

If she continues her bad behavior, whatever it is, you pack up the kids, thank her for the hospitality, and head home. If this all takes place at your house and she’s a visitor, you say, “Well this has been a fun visit! I’m so sorry you have to leave so soon.” Then, you smile, give her a hug, and help her pack --- as if her sudden decision to leave was her idea all along. She’ll probably be so dumbfounded that she’ll comply. If she calls later to complain, simply remind her of how the new rules are going to work --- the moment she lays into one of your kids again, that visit will be over. Wet hair, lather, rinse, repeat until she learns the new boundaries.

Beth says:  If your husband has been passive about confronting family for 14 years, his response to this (while totally frustrating) should not be a surprise.  I assume that you have been clear with him over the years about your concerns and how upsetting this situation is to you.  If you haven't, then the first step is calmly making your concerns known.  If you have, then it is reasonable to take matters into your own hands, as long as you do so maturely and respectfully.  Do not lower yourself to combative behavior no matter how she acts.  One way is to parrot, "I'm sorry you feel that way" repeatedly until she runs out of steam.

Now all that said, if she goes after your children unfairly, then you absolutely should stand up to her.  Say, "Martha, I can see that you are upset, let's talk about this privately."  Once you get her alone, hear her out, and then make it clear that yelling at or emotionally manipulating your children is not acceptable behavior.  Remember that many of our parents are from the "spanking and belittling school of discipline".  It's a different world for them.  My former father-in-law once yelled at, shook and then slapped my young son on an overnight visit.  My ex refused to address it with him, taking the stance that they just would not be left alone with the kids.  I calmly told my father-in-law that we do not hit our children and that if he becomes frustrated, a time out and a call to me would be the best way to handle the problem.  He wasn't pleased, but it didn't matter. Bottom line, you are the mom and no matter whose parents they are, you call the shots when it comes to your kids.

Are thank you notes absolutely necessary or is a phone call from my kids to Grandma good enough?

Kevin says:  The rule for kids is the same as for adults: A heartfelt verbal thank you for a gift received in person is sufficient. If a gift is not given in person (delivered by mail, for instance), a written thank you note is mandatory. As soon as children are old enough to print their names, they can at least sign a thank you note written by (or dictated to) mom or dad. I know many parents who shelve a new gift until a child has written a thank you note. No gift should ever go unacknowledged. Ever.

Beth says:  If you want to go by the etiquette books a written thank you is a must.  However, my mom really enjoys a conversation with my kids as much as a note in the mail, so often they just call her to thank her and chat.  To me, what is a must, is that the gift be acknowledged promptly.  Many times I have sent gifts and have had to say "Did he get my gift?" to the parent. Unacceptable.  If I took the time to buy and send a gift, your kid can take five minutes to call and say thank you.  That said, I do written thank yous as well.  I had both my kids write A Gay a thank you note after he took them on their 12th Birthday Trips of a  Lifetime and there are other situations where I have insisted on a formal reply as well (especially to relatives that my kids might not feel comfortable calling).  In a perfect world, it would be all thank you notes, all the time.  In my world, I just try to get the gift acknowledged right away.

How do you say goodbye to a salon (nail/hair) you have been going to for years and developed a relationship with the operators? When you get a message from them asking if you are okay because they haven't seen you for awhile, do you respond?

Beth says:  Remember that these are not your friends--they are a business and you are their customer.  Again, I always go with the most passive of responses.   If they happen to catch you by phone again, assure them that all is well and brush them off with a "I've been really busy" type of excuse.  Otherwise, I wouldn't respond at all.  If it is absolutely killing you, return their call after hours and leave a message on the machine with the all is well/I'm so busy message.  

Kevin says:  The relationship you have with the salon is a professional one --- no matter how intimate. If you find that you need to leave a salon, you should never feel guilty. That said, what those calls are really saying is, "We have noticed that you haven't been in in a while. Is there something we've done or didn't do that could have made a difference?" You should decide how you'd answer that question before you decide to respond. As a small business owner myself, I internalize every unreturned voice mail: "Have I done something to push my client away?" A few things to consider in deciding how or if to respond to such queries: The length and quality of your relationship (the longer the relationship, the greater the argument for responding --- so is the quality of the relationship, even if it has cooled over time); the actual reason for your leaving the salon (Did one of the employees treat you badly? Have you simply found a salon closer to home? Are your family's finances tighter now?); or the likelihood that you may decide to return in the future. Being a small business owner is a tough proposition, especially in this economy. If you've had a positive relationship with the salon AND if you think the answer to these questions would put the salon owner's mind at rest, or help him or her improve their business, I'd encourage you to consider responding. If not, feel free not to respond at all.