I have been married for 15 years. Over the course of my marriage my mother in law has been rude and aggressive with me many times and my husband never stands up for me. That's fine because I'm an adult. However, she has now started going after my children, including my 8 year old. Last week she yelled at him for no reason and made him cry. I was livid and asked my husband to talk to her. He never did and I suspect he never will. How can I handle this?

Kevin says:  Growing up in a household where his mom was aggressive and difficult has taught your husband that standing up to her is a lose-lose proposition. This explains, but does not excuse, your husband’s behavior. Your husband has --- and likely other members of his immediately family have --- been efficiently trained by your mother-in-law to do what she wants.

You don’t say in your question, but I will presume that you have talked to your husband about how your MIL’s behavior affects you. If you haven’t, now’s an excellent opportunity. You can say, “Look, honey, I understand why you’ve been reluctant to speak to your mom about how she treats me. I’m an adult, so I can fight my own battles --- no harm, no foul. That said, now that she’s got the kids in her sights, we’ve got to do something.” Then, you give your husband one last opportunity to handle the situation, either with you standing at his side or not.

If he chooses not to deal with this situation head on, it will be up to you. Tell your husband that the next time she gets out of line with one of your kids that you’re going to confront her --- nicely, but that you’re going to confront her nevertheless. Then, the next time she lays in to one of your kids, you pull her aside and say, “Paula, I know that what Sally was doing was annoying to you, but she’s our daughter and this is how we handle such behavior in our house.” Then, you go on and calmly explain how discipline works in your household (even if you’ve explained it a thousand times before). No matter what, stay calm and in control.

If she continues her bad behavior, whatever it is, you pack up the kids, thank her for the hospitality, and head home. If this all takes place at your house and she’s a visitor, you say, “Well this has been a fun visit! I’m so sorry you have to leave so soon.” Then, you smile, give her a hug, and help her pack --- as if her sudden decision to leave was her idea all along. She’ll probably be so dumbfounded that she’ll comply. If she calls later to complain, simply remind her of how the new rules are going to work --- the moment she lays into one of your kids again, that visit will be over. Wet hair, lather, rinse, repeat until she learns the new boundaries.

Beth says:  If your husband has been passive about confronting family for 14 years, his response to this (while totally frustrating) should not be a surprise.  I assume that you have been clear with him over the years about your concerns and how upsetting this situation is to you.  If you haven't, then the first step is calmly making your concerns known.  If you have, then it is reasonable to take matters into your own hands, as long as you do so maturely and respectfully.  Do not lower yourself to combative behavior no matter how she acts.  One way is to parrot, "I'm sorry you feel that way" repeatedly until she runs out of steam.

Now all that said, if she goes after your children unfairly, then you absolutely should stand up to her.  Say, "Martha, I can see that you are upset, let's talk about this privately."  Once you get her alone, hear her out, and then make it clear that yelling at or emotionally manipulating your children is not acceptable behavior.  Remember that many of our parents are from the "spanking and belittling school of discipline".  It's a different world for them.  My former father-in-law once yelled at, shook and then slapped my young son on an overnight visit.  My ex refused to address it with him, taking the stance that they just would not be left alone with the kids.  I calmly told my father-in-law that we do not hit our children and that if he becomes frustrated, a time out and a call to me would be the best way to handle the problem.  He wasn't pleased, but it didn't matter. Bottom line, you are the mom and no matter whose parents they are, you call the shots when it comes to your kids.

Are thank you notes absolutely necessary or is a phone call from my kids to Grandma good enough?

Kevin says:  The rule for kids is the same as for adults: A heartfelt verbal thank you for a gift received in person is sufficient. If a gift is not given in person (delivered by mail, for instance), a written thank you note is mandatory. As soon as children are old enough to print their names, they can at least sign a thank you note written by (or dictated to) mom or dad. I know many parents who shelve a new gift until a child has written a thank you note. No gift should ever go unacknowledged. Ever.

Beth says:  If you want to go by the etiquette books a written thank you is a must.  However, my mom really enjoys a conversation with my kids as much as a note in the mail, so often they just call her to thank her and chat.  To me, what is a must, is that the gift be acknowledged promptly.  Many times I have sent gifts and have had to say "Did he get my gift?" to the parent. Unacceptable.  If I took the time to buy and send a gift, your kid can take five minutes to call and say thank you.  That said, I do written thank yous as well.  I had both my kids write A Gay a thank you note after he took them on their 12th Birthday Trips of a  Lifetime and there are other situations where I have insisted on a formal reply as well (especially to relatives that my kids might not feel comfortable calling).  In a perfect world, it would be all thank you notes, all the time.  In my world, I just try to get the gift acknowledged right away.

How do you say goodbye to a salon (nail/hair) you have been going to for years and developed a relationship with the operators? When you get a message from them asking if you are okay because they haven't seen you for awhile, do you respond?

Beth says:  Remember that these are not your friends--they are a business and you are their customer.  Again, I always go with the most passive of responses.   If they happen to catch you by phone again, assure them that all is well and brush them off with a "I've been really busy" type of excuse.  Otherwise, I wouldn't respond at all.  If it is absolutely killing you, return their call after hours and leave a message on the machine with the all is well/I'm so busy message.  

Kevin says:  The relationship you have with the salon is a professional one --- no matter how intimate. If you find that you need to leave a salon, you should never feel guilty. That said, what those calls are really saying is, "We have noticed that you haven't been in in a while. Is there something we've done or didn't do that could have made a difference?" You should decide how you'd answer that question before you decide to respond. As a small business owner myself, I internalize every unreturned voice mail: "Have I done something to push my client away?" A few things to consider in deciding how or if to respond to such queries: The length and quality of your relationship (the longer the relationship, the greater the argument for responding --- so is the quality of the relationship, even if it has cooled over time); the actual reason for your leaving the salon (Did one of the employees treat you badly? Have you simply found a salon closer to home? Are your family's finances tighter now?); or the likelihood that you may decide to return in the future. Being a small business owner is a tough proposition, especially in this economy. If you've had a positive relationship with the salon AND if you think the answer to these questions would put the salon owner's mind at rest, or help him or her improve their business, I'd encourage you to consider responding. If not, feel free not to respond at all.